First Page Friday

These entries are just getting better and better! I have one Friday slot left open for January if you would like your first page critiqued by one of our amazing editors. Directions are on the sidebar.

Let's get to today's entry.

The Entry
Emergence
by C. Michelle Jeffries

Antony Danic let the slide of his Glock .357 slam home. The sound echoed against the sterile surfaces of the industrial kitchen where he waited. Lines of stainless steel appliances and stark white counters filled the room that was half the size of his whole apartment. Elite would love this kitchen. His thoughts turned from his wife to the hit, machine-like calm settling over his body.

"HQ, this is Viper," he said as he double-checked the blade strapped to his calf and adjusted his blue-lensed Lanzen glasses.

"Viper acknowledged," one of four female operators said over his silver and red earpiece.

"Viper in recon position."

"Roger that, Viper. Radio silence commenced." The earpiece went silent. There would be no more contact until he initiated it.

Mr. Dellos held to a strict schedule when he was in town. He would arrive at exactly eleven to do a final walk-through of his restaurant before locking up for the night. Somehow, after chasing the man for three weeks, through the United States and the Middle East, Antony was now less than twenty minutes from home.

"Thank you," a voice echoed through the kitchen, coming from the direction of the dining room. "I'll talk to you later." A phone snapped shut and Antony could hear shoes clicking on the tile floor. He slid his finger from the side of his Glock to the trigger well. A wide man entered the kitchen, checking the small refrigerator by the door and wiping his finger on the counter.

Meticulous and well-fed, Antony thought as he stepped from the shadows, training his pistol on the man. Pretty oblivious, too. They now stood a mere ten feet from each other.

Antony cleared his throat—he refused to shoot a man in the back—and pulled the trigger.

Ms. Shreditor’s Comments

I want to preface this critique by saying that it isn’t going to be much of a critique. Aside from some minor syntax issues that a light copyedit would resolve, there’s very little for me to pick apart here. It’s one of the more submission-ready excerpts I’ve read as Ms. Shreditor.

What does this sample get right? For starters, its opening sentence. Antony cocks his gun, and we’re off. A few sentences later, we already know where he is and that he’s married to a woman named Elite. The name “Elite” may be my only bone to pick here. The word “elite” often carries a negative connotation, so it doesn’t necessarily leave the reader with a favorable first impression (or, perhaps more accurate, impression-by-proxy) of Antony’s wife. Is this deliberate? If not, why this name?

The story sustains the kind of quick pacing vital to a suspense/thriller novel. The writer makes economic use of dialogue to move the story along without lingering too long on extraneous details. Yet despite this careful, economic use of language, we’re able to envision the scene in vivid detail.

There’s something almost noir about Antony’s efficiency and emotional detachment from his victim-to-be. Although this appears to be a thriller, his demeanor is reminiscent of the classic hardboiled detective novels. There is no better example of this than the following line: “Antony cleared his throat—he refused to shoot a man in the back—and pulled the trigger.” It’s cold as ice. It illustrates just how lethal our hero (antihero?) can be and just how efficient he is at his job. There is a saltier word I might use to describe such an awesome scene, but I’ll have to settle for the quasi-synonymous “fearless” and leave it at that.

So all I can really say this week is well done. This first page certainly has my attention.


I really enjoyed it as well! Thank you so much for our submitter and to Ms. Shreditor. See you next week!

Word Count Wednesday on Thursday

It felt a little strange not to have a Word Count Wednesday yesterday, so I thought we'd just have it today. We were all making such good progress and it is encouraging to hear about your successes. I also like having the accountability for myself each week. Not that my word count is anything great for the past seven days and I want to brag or anything.

You see, I've broken my own promise and I'm going back and doing revisions. I have a solid first half of my novel, and as I've started the end, I realize I need to go back and change some of the beginning. It's an exciting process for me in hammering out details and adding layers, so I really do like this part. And if any of you know me, you know editing and revision is really fun for me and I do have a tendency to overdo it a bit. I'm working on that.

So my word count is small because I've been deleting and adjusting. I've only added maybe 500 words total, but I've been making my story more solid and believable, so I'm okay with it.

How did you do this week?

70th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor

I’m feeling a little emotional today. As most of you know, today is the 70th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. The events of that day changed so many people’s lives and shaped the future for generations to come. There was a wonderful documentary on the History channel about it last night, followed by the Ben Affleck movie, Pearl Harbor (and yes, I know some people think that movie is cheesy, but I really liked it.) But the events of that day were shocking and unifying and definitely something to be remembered.

Winston Churchill said once (and I paraphrase) that he knew as soon as Pearl Harbor happened and the United States entered into World War II, that Adolph Hitler’s fate was sealed. And he knew that not only because of the military might that the United States would bring, but I also believe he knew that because of the resolve and spirit of American citizens to defend and fight for principles that are worth dying for.

I have a son who wants to join the military when he is old enough. It scares me to think about it, but I am also proud of the ideals that he holds dear. Freedom is a precious thing and something that is often taken for granted. I hope that doesn't happen in my family, and that my children can see what a privilege it is to have the ability to make so many of their life choices.

As we approach the holiday season and the hustle and bustle of buying gifts and planning family get-togethers, with the chorus of Peace on Earth ringing in our ears, I am reminded of how bleak a Christmas it would have been for those who lost loved ones at Pearl Harbor. And while peace on earth is an elusive ideal in our world today, I still continue to hope that, at this time of year especially, we will remember those who have sacrificed everything to defend freedom.

I hope you take a bit of time today to talk to your children about what the attack on Pearl Harbor meant to this country and to its citizens. And maybe tell them how grateful you are to live in a country that offers so much to so many. It’s important to make sure our children and grandchildren know the values and principles that those men and women, both those who died and those who survived Pearl Harbor, knew---that the defense of freedom is worth fighting for.

A Disappointing Week for TV and Books

Well, this has been a disappointing week on the TV and book front.

Castle had so much potential this week and there were a couple of funny moments, like when the old lady said she’d shoot the pretty one first and Esposito and Ryan both looked at each other like, hmmm . . . which one of us is the pretty one? And the tiger was a surprise. But the ending was so well-worn with the Beckett tease and no forward movement in the relationship. It’s like they’re just recycling parts of scripts we’ve seen before. Move it along, people!

Hawaii Five-O did the same thing--we just saw the re-run of the Nick Lachey episode last week and this was pretty much a script recycle of that one. Kids kidnapped, running against time trying to get the ransom, then a happy reunion at the end with the kids/parents. Bo-ring. Seen it. And there wasn’t even any funny banter to counteract the boring. *sigh*

Usually when there’s nothing to catch my interest on TV I can always lose myself in a book, but the two books I started this week were also a disappointment. The first one starts out with a conversation between a brother and a sister. A boring one. I kept reading, thinking it would get better, but this conversation went on forever and was just as boring on page six as it was on page one. Although that did make it easy to put it down and start another book.

My hopes were high for the next book, and it had come recommended, but the beginning chapter was more or less a history lesson, which seriously put me to sleep. I love it when I learn something from a book I’ve read, but usually that has to be woven into the story and not just paragraph after paragraph of research that the author liked and wanted to put in as background. Especially in the first chapter. It was a real testimony to me in the value of hooks. Hook me as a reader so I will keep reading, because when your first chapter is boring, and I have to slog through it, more than likely I will put it down and may or may not come back to it.

Are you guys reading anything good that you can recommend? Any fun Christmas stories out there?

Do You Have Family Dinner Table Memories?

My son recently had to do a spotlight and was asked to tell about one of his favorite family memories. I was interested to hear his response and was quite surprised when he said he our family dinner table. In his mind, we’ve had so many laugh-out-loud moments and fun conversations (that we still quote every now and then to laugh over again), that that is one of his favorite memories.

This was sort of a parent payday for me. Sometimes getting dinner on the table for a large family is a monumental feat and then when everyone finally sits down, it can be loud and chaotic. But to hear that the chaos and craziness really means something to my kids makes me feel good. All that effort has turned into fun memories and family legends. Maybe someday my grandkids will tell me how their dad told them about some of the crazy stuff we talked about at the family dinner table.

So when I’m planning out my family menus this week, I’m definitely going to be smiling and looking forward to that time of day when we’re all around the table laughing and teasing (and yes, sometimes bickering). After all, that’s what family memories are made of.

What are you having for dinner tonight? Do you have fun family dinner table memories?

First Page Friday

Got a nano first page you're dying to have critiqued by a national editor? We have January slots available for First Page Friday. First submitted, first critiqued. Directions on the sidebar

Here's today's submission. It's a good one!


The Entry
Aurora Sky: Transfusion
By Nikki Jefford

This was what freedom looked like. Endless stretches of trim green grass under a canopy of elders and stone buildings that resembled medieval castles and old English manors. Walking through the ivy covered archways was like stepping back in time. Even the students were well-mannered. No one was running or shouting through the hallways at Wellesley. The students sat on benches reading quietly or gathered in small groups on the grass discussing literature and the world at large.

Although it was fall in Massachusetts, the air was pleasant, the sun shining. Birds burst into song – unlike home where they’d stopped singing altogether.

I walked around campus in khaki capris and a black V-neck, trying to blend. My hair was pulled back in a long loose blonde braid. I pretended like I was already a student there, rather than a visitor on tour at the campus, though my mother, walking beside me, was a dead giveaway.

Fourteen hours later, we were on our flight back to Anchorage – an 11 hour return journey to the Far North. I’d appreciate the distance once August rolled around and I was headed over to the East Coast to stay. Six more months and I’d be finished with high school forever. With any luck, I’d be a student at Wellesley in ten.

I logged this countdown into my journal along with my observations about Wellesley on the plane ride home.

It was 6:47 p.m. when we landed in Anchorage, 10:47 back East.

The arctic wind blasted my mom and me the moment we stepped through the sliding doors from baggage into the arrivals lane.

Ms. Shreditor’s Comments

A warning to all: This week’s critique is on the longer side. So please don’t read while operating heavy machinery.

I’m enjoying all of these first pages that take place in the northeast. Despite what you may have heard, don’t be intimidated by us. Aside from our horrible, inconsiderate driving (I’m looking at you, Jersey Turnpike), we are a funky, diverse bunch.

What makes the first sentence of this piece so effective is its sparseness. “This is what freedom looked like.” Six words, no waste. And we learn a lot from these six words, don’t we? Already, we know that our narrator feels trapped where she is and has found a potential escape. What really ups the ante: the reveal that the narrator is from Alaska. Anchorage to Wellesley is a pretty long trek—almost as far apart as any two points in the United States can get. So she must be running from something.

The choice of Wellesley is intriguing; for those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s a women’s college. It’s also interesting that the character’s first instinct is to blend in rather than stand out; this tells us a lot about her. Maybe she doesn’t have a strong sense of identity yet. Maybe she’s a follower. We don’t know yet, but it’s good to turn to page two with unanswered questions like these.

I haven’t visited Wellesley College myself, but I am very familiar with New England. The depiction of Wellesley feels a bit hackneyed with the old buildings and abundant ivy. While it’s certainly accurate, try not to restrict the story with those New England clichés. There’s a lot more to the area than ivy-covered architecture and intellectuals. What's so compelling about Boston area colleges isn't that they're populated by people sitting around talking about books and trying to blend in, but that the student bodies are so culturally, ideologically, and ethnically diverse. (Of course, don't overdo it on the freaks-and-geeks factor, either.)


I fact-checked the admissions deadlines at Wellesley to make sure that the six-months-from-graduation timeline was plausible. Sure enough, I found that the regular admissions deadline is in January. Something to consider, though: This character seems pretty motivated to leave Anchorage and attend Wellesley. Someone that eager would likely be submitting an early decision application (due November 1 at Wellesley). I assume that the tour precedes her actual application process, so you might want to tweak the timeline accordingly. Six months before graduation would likely mean that she’s touring the school in November or December of her senior year—a time of year that is rarely warm enough in Massachusetts for a tee and capris. Moreover, this time frame seems quite late for an exploratory visit, even if she is submitting a regular decision application.

Also consider expounding upon her observations about Wellesley instead of simply telling us that she’s written them down in her journal. Surely this visit has conjured up a lot of feelings for her. What are they? We know some things about Wellesley from her descriptions, but we don’t know how she feels about those things. It’s the missing link between us and the character whose story we’re following.

I like the juxtaposition of the green grass in Wellesley that greets the narrator at the beginning of the story and the arctic wind that greets her in Anchorage. Nicely done. The chirping of the birds was also a nice touch. I’m not sold on the pacing, though. While I enjoy the juxtaposition between the two states, I think it might be worthwhile to explore the Wellesley visit in more depth (rather than gloss over it in three paragraphs). The shift from Massachusetts to Alaska feels abrupt.

I’ve written a book myself here, so I’ll close with the following advice: Make sure not to over-simplify the New England college experience. If you have never lived there (or even if you have), find someone who does as a beta reader. You want your setting to be vivid and not just a plot point.


Sounds like Nikki has everyone's attention with her first page. Well done! Thank you so much for participating in First Page Friday. See you next week!

Writing Tip: Premature Submission--Resist the Urge

I am so excited about the words I was able to draft on my work-in-progress last month. It was extremely satisfying to see my characters and plot coming together so nicely. I know I have a lot of revision coming up, but to me, that’s the really fun part, polishing it up before submission.

Unfortunately, some writers seem to want to skip the revision part and go straight to submission after NaNoWriMo. Some of the editors I know, and the agents I’m acquainted with, were talking last week about the deluge of submissions they get in December and how they know that it went straight from the drafting stage of NanoWriMo to their inbox and it’s sad because a lot of potentially wonderful, sellable stories were prematurely submitted and lost out on a great opportunity to impress.

So, this is my writing tip for you. Do not submit the manuscript you drafted during Nano. Take December and use it to revise and polish your novel, and when you are done, take a break from it. Send it out to readers, or let it rest over the holidays, while you enjoy the holiday season. Come back to it in January and revise and polish it again, and then maybe, just maybe, it will be ready for submission and will be the impressive story it was always meant to be.