I'm Baaaack . . .

Whew!  It feels so weird to be sitting in front of a computer again.  We took off last Monday and went to San Diego with the family.  I was a little worried about how my two little ones would do traveling that far, but they did great!

Of course traveling with a large family has its challenges and funny moments.  We stopped at a restaurant and when the older kids got out of the car, they did a little dance in the parking lot.  Just as they finished, an older lady got out of her car with a shocked look on her face.  I seriously almost doubled over laughing at the whole scene.

We also get a lot of stares, people counting us, and questions about if we're all one family.  We've been mistaken for a traveling soccer team, a YMCA group, and always get asked at least once, "so, you're really all together? All of you?"  This time was no exception, but the kids are pretty used to it now.  We did have one incident at a hotel where a guy was a Lakers fan and there was some friendly rivalry talk going on amongst him and my kids who are Jazz fans.  The guy pointed to some other Lakers fans in the pool and my kids were all, "yeah, that's great that there's four of you.  There's nine in our family alone."  The shocked look on the guy's face was priceless and he yelled over to his friends, "watch out, there's nine of them!"  Haha.  (If you're wondering why there's only nine and not ten, my oldest son had to work and so we could only take seven of the kids. Sad!)

Anyway, our first day we went to SeaWorld and saw two shows, one with Shamu and one with pilot whales and dolphins.  There were a ton of aquariums to look at, some rides, interactive stuff (I touched a bunch of slimy fishy things.)  We also ate lunch there and that was probably the most expensive lunch (of hot dogs) that we've ever had.  My feet were killing me by the end, but we had a great time.  (My little ones got up close and personal with a beluga whale.  It was adorable!)

Second day was San Diego Zoo.  That was a very hot day and the zoo is ginormous.  We got to see koala bears, pandas, big cats, polar bears, and ride the sky tram to name a few highlights.  But honestly, my feet had gone on strike by this time and the hills we had to walk were leg-numbingly hard.  I had three people tell me as they walked by that I looked hot and I instinctively knew they didn't mean I looked good.  Or cute.  Or anything but hot in the not-good sense of the word.  Haha.

We also saw the Mormon Battalion museum (I had an ancestor who served in that) the San Diego temple, and the USS Midway.  My father-in-law served on the Midway in his Navy days so it was awesome to see the ship he served on and have my kids be part of it.  There were some incredible planes to see and sit in the cockpits, too.

The best part of the trip was the beach, where we played in the sand and jumped waves in the Pacific ocean.   We just had some great family time---no computer, no distractions.  I loved it.  But I'm also grateful to be home.

I missed you all and feel like I need to catch up on everything from the blog last week.  You are awesome.  Thank you for being so supportive, not only of my writing, but of me personally.  It means a lot.  I know I've said it before, but I have the best blog friends out there.  And I mean that.

Now can someone get over here and rub my feet?  (Haha, just kidding.  Only not.  Okay, yes I'm kidding.)  It's great to be back!

First Page Friday

Thank you to everyone who submits their stuff for First Page Friday.  I am so excited each week to see the critiques.  If you would like your first page done, the submission guidelines are in the sidebar.

The Entry

She Came From The Hill

by Janice Sperry

Nothing thrived at the far end of the park. Even laughter died at the first stunted tree. Clay could have skipped the shortcut had Alex, who had the communication skills of a bad WIFI connection, called an hour earlier.  Proper packing takes time. In five months he’d get his license and could drive around the park. Five months never felt so far away.

Clay tightened the straps on his heavy overnight pack and pedaled up the dead forest path. His tires kicked up dirt, making the air thick with dust. The place felt off, like shadows were waiting to jump at him from behind the brittle trees. It was completely irrational.  He pedaled faster anyway, his feet moving with the rhythm of his pounding heart.

The creepiness clung to his skin like cobwebs, even after he left the park in his dust. It was time to give up Ghost Watch. The show was making him paranoid. He coasted down the road and skidded to a stop in Alex’s driveway. His friends were scattered around the yard, none of them in uniform. Clay straightened his scout shirt.  They needed to take scouting more seriously.

Alex aimed a small camcorder at him and pushed a button. Light flashed in Clay’s eyes, blinding him.

Clay shaded his eyes with his hands. “Alex!” 

“The enhanced light works!” Alex turned it off, leaving Clay seeing spots.

“What’s the camera for?” Clay got off his bike and dropped his pack at his feet.

Alex shut the tiny screen, leaned forward, and whispered, “The camera sees what we can’t.”

“Like what?”  Mr. Walters never let them leave the campground at night, no matter how quietly they sneaked out of the tent.

Ms. Shreditor's Comments

The first paragraph of this sample starts off strong and then gets a bit disjointed at the end. The opening two sentences create an eerie, desolate tone. Then, Clay observes that he wouldn’t have had to rush if Alex had called earlier. The narrative shifts momentarily to the present tense to tell us that “proper packing takes time” before reverting to the past. Keep the verb tense consistent, and consider whether or not Clay’s musings about his future license provide a strong enough hook for the reader. There needs to be more at stake from the outset than Clay’s inability to drive.

The next few paragraphs read a lot more smoothly. They tell us that Clay is a scout of some sort and that the boys are engaging in some sort of ghost hunting activity. I really liked the matched momentum of Clay’s pounding heart and his bike pedaling.

I’m a bit confused on a few points, though. The story tells us that Clay ends up in Alex’s driveway. Alex does a quick demo of the camcorder’s enhanced light function and suggests that the equipment can see what the naked eye can’t. Clay asks for clarification, and then we’re left with a confusing sentence about Mr. Walters, who remains unidentified and hasn’t been mentioned previously, and the campground. Are the boys about to go on a scout camping trip? (Clay’s backpack, mentioned in the second paragraph, hints at this, but we don’t know for sure.) Is Mr. Walters their scout leader? If so, the narrative needs to make this clearer. Otherwise, the last sentence feels out of place, as it doesn’t link up at all to the dialogue that precedes it.

A few syntax-level notes: I would change “skills” to “abilities” in the third sentence; otherwise, it’s a somewhat awkward analogy. A WiFi connection wouldn’t have skills. Also, change “could” to “be able” in the second-to-last sentence of the first paragraph.

As you proceed, think about the story you plan to tell. Why is this Clay’s story? What’s at stake for him personally? Ultimately, make sure that Clay stands out in his own story. Alex, a secondary character, left a stronger impression with me. Otherwise, the pacing, setting, and dialogue are quite good!

Back to School is Almost Here! Good or Bad?

As a mom and a writer, I always feel energized and motivated to write when school starts again.  It's like a new start for me, too, because we're back on schedule.  The little kids love routine and I can usually squeeze more quality writing time in.  Although summer is awesome, too, because I have babysitters, but there's something invigorating about heading into the fall and starting back to school with a fresh outlook on learning and life.

So, as a writer, does back to school routine energize you or tire you?  Does it even matter?  Do you feel more organized or a need to get more organized with your writing and your time?  (I hope there's something else out there like me and I'm not just weird.)  (But, then again, most writers are weird.  Ha!)

Word Count Wednesday

So, after my post yesterday I bet you can guess that I didn't do any writing at all this week.  None.  Nada.  My word count is zero.

But we've had some great times laughing together as a family.  It has been a glorious week so far.

How did you do this week?

Taking a Break from Writing . . . Bad Idea?

Some of my writer friends write for four to six hours a day.  I sometimes envy that because I'm not at a place in my life where I can.  I'm pretty much in the 'whatever bit of time I can get on the computer' is my writing time.  I have eight kids and two of them are under four.  They keep me busy and being a mom is my first priority.

You see, with my older five children, I've learned that time with my kids really does go by way too fast and before I know it, they're moving out and are on their own.  I even miss the times when they were small and they laid there listening to my made up bedtime stories in the dark.  We have some wonderful family memories for them to take with them when they fly the nest.  Well, mostly.

This week is going to be one of those times.  It is the last week before school starts, before one of my children moves away to college, and I want to make some memories with the family in this last week of togetherness.  I know I have writing deadlines.  I know I need to do editing.  But this has to come first.

A friend of mine who writes every day and puts out two books a year said that I should take a day for the family and then concentrate on my writing.  "You can pack a lot into a day," she said.  (she knows I have a lot to do and is great at encouraging me.) But, this time, I just can't do it. I'm selfish.  I want the week.  My writing will always be there and yes, I may be shooting my writing career in the foot and putting myself further behind on some things  (I don't think that's fatal) but my kids will not always be here.  And someday, when we're all sitting around the table, and their kids are running around my house, I want them to be able to say, "Hey, mom, remember when we took a car trip and had to listen to a Roger Miller album the whole way because that was the only thing that would soothe the baby?  I still can sing every word of that whole album."  Or "Remember when we all sang Barney tunes until my oldest son couldn't take it anymore, then we caught him whistling the same tune while we were in the museum and laughed until our sides hurt?"  Yeah, that's my dream.  For them to remember all the silly stuff we did and how much fun we had in between the arguments.

Writermom.  That's the name of the blog, but sometimes I think it should be Momwriter.  Such a delicate line.

What do you think?  How do you balance family needs with your writing?  Do you think breaks are needed or valuable?

Book Review: Twitterpated

I have been a fan of Melanie Jacobson's books since her first one came out.  She has a witty style of writing that appeals to me and she does relationship stuff really well.  Twitterpated is no exception.

Our heroine is Jessie, a girl who has shied away from relationships ever since the guy she dated through high school and beyond decided to marry someone else.  She becomes engrossed in her work, even though she says she doesn't really love it, and has a rivalry with another manager at said work that pretty much gives her something to live for.  Her roommate tries to help her social life by signing her up for an LDS dating site and she does meet someone on the site who is normal and fun and wants to date her.

Ben has his own emotional baggage though, from a broken engagement to a girl who was a workaholic.  He gets a lot of mixed messages from Jessie, and he seems a little concerned about her work issues, but he doggedly pushes on.  I loved Ben.  I thought he was a great hero and he was an incredibly patient person.  Which made me not as sympathetic to Jessie because she kind of came across as . . .  well, whiny to me.  "I can't go out, I have to work" sort of thing.  Her roommate calls her on her inabilities to commit (because some guy dumped her four plus years ago---which made me say huh?  Really?  You're still hung up on that?  Weird.)  There were more than a few times where I shook my head at Jessie's actions and excuses.  It did set her up for some great stuff from her roommate, though.  I loved her roommate Sandy.  Sassy, fun, and a lot of depth.  (I sort of loved her more than Jessie.  I don't know why!  She just really sparkled.)

Anyway, it's a cute book about a relationship between two people trying to overcome a lot of baggage.  It wasn't the stay-up-all-night-to-see-what-happens kind of book that I found her other books to be, but I still enjoyed it and look forward to her next book (which I heard is about Sandy, the roommate).  If you're looking for a fun romance then this is the book for you.

Here is the back copy:

 Jessie Taylor is furious when her roommate secretly posts her picture on the dating website LDS Lookup, furious, that is, until she spends all night instant messaging Ben Bratton, a man whose wit and warmth just might make Jessie forget the train wreck of her last romantic relationship. Their first date is a smashing success (literally), but Ben's overall awesomeness can't save Jessie from having to deal with Craig, her competitive coworker whose baiting behavior sets new standards for obnoxiousness. Determined to beat Craig at his own game, Jessie spends long office hours finishing projects and putting out fires, but while her performance wows her boss, it only makes Ben skittish, after a failed engagement to an up-and-coming lawyer, he's not about to pair up with someone who's married to her job. Will Jessie figure out how to be true to herself and take her big chance at love before it's gone with a click of the mouse?

First Page Friday

Welcome to another edition of First Page Friday, where national editors critique your first page!  Want to submit?  Guidelines are in the sidebar . . .

The Entry
Window of Time
by DJ Allen

“I have to kill you now. It’s nothing personal.”

Lucia aimed her .38 revolver at the knotted-up muscle and shot a single bullet into the snake’s head. The hot Sonoran desert north of the Arizona-Mexican border supplied her with a variety of vegetation to use as cover, but hiding hadn’t been her idea after their coyote ditched her and the other members of her group.

“I’m sorry I had to evict you, Mr. Sidewinder,” Lucia said, sliding onto the cool, shady sand, “but this Mesquite bush isn’t big enough for both you and me. I couldn’t take a chance that you’d come back if I moved you to another residence. Besides,” she whispered with a small smile on her lips, “snake tastes just like chicken.” 

&

“What was that?” Border Agent Mark Whittier asked.

Agent Jason Morelli put down his binoculars and stared at his field-training officer. “It sounded like a gunshot!” 

“We better go check it out. Could you tell which way it came from?”

“Yeah . . . from the south.”

Whittier shoved his equipment bag over to the passenger seat. “Very funny.”

“Okay, okay, it was more southwest,” Morelli said, opening his driver’s door. “I’ll take the point.” He grinned and added, “Try not to get lost.”

Whittier got behind the wheel of his four-wheel drive Tahoe and softly chuckled. He lifted the microphone off the dashboard, and held it to his lips. “Take it easy with the new truck, Morelli.”

“You worry too much.”

“And you don’t worry enough.”

“We’re finally getting some movement, and you aren’t excited?”

Whittier let out a deep breath of sudden frustration at his rookie. “Just don’t get careless. Don’t make me regret letting you check out your own truck today.”

“I won’t.”

Whittier kept pace with his rookie for another mile before stopping on a short ridge. Opening his door, Whittier grabbed his binoculars and stepped out on the running board, and swept the hot landscape with his elbows propped up on the edge of the window frame. The high noon heat made the distance slowly dance like looking through the clear flame of a fire.

Ms. Shreditor's Comments

The first section accomplishes a lot in just over 100 words. Not only do we know where Lucia is geographically, but we can start to visualize her surroundings thanks to the mention of the Mesquite bush and the contrast between the hot desert and cool sand. It’s vivid without being flowery. The second paragraph, however, did confuse me a bit. There’s a reference to “their coyote,” but we don’t know who “they” are. And who is her group? I think there’s definitely room to flesh out Lucia’s scene.

Expanding upon Lucia’s point of view might also resolve my biggest reservation: the section break on the first page. The readers hardly have time to get acquainted with Lucia before we skip to another scene and another set of characters. You don’t want to overload your audience with too many characters too soon. The section break does create a nice bridge between Lucia’s final threat and the sound of her gunshot, but I’m worried about the point of view shifting after just three paragraphs. It’s certainly possible to write a novel with in-chapter POV switches, but you want to make sure it’s balanced. (Here, Whittier gets nearly double Lucia’s face time.)

The dialogue flows nicely in the second scene, but the POV here needs fortifying. I’m assuming that this is Whittier’s point of view, but there’s little to verify this. Try adding in some of Whittier’s thoughts to make it more immediately clear that he’s at the wheel. We don’t get inside Lucia’s head, either, but there also aren’t other characters in her scene to make us wonder.

A few minor quibbles: Consider changing the dialogue tag in the third paragraph to read “Lucia continued.” This will make it clearer that it was also Lucia who spoke in the first paragraph.  You’ll also want to change “Arizona-Mexican border” to “Arizona-Mexico border.” Otherwise, you’ve compounded a proper noun and an adjective. Lastly, it’s unlikely that Whittier would be opening his door and grabbing his binoculars at the same time, so try adding a preposition to show the progression: “After opening his door, Whittier grabbed his binoculars and stepped out on the running board. He swept the hot landscape...”

In closing, I’ve learned something important from this week’s entry: Never, ever cross Lucia. Mr. Sidewinder, you never stood a chance.



(Sorry for the weird formatting in places.  Sometimes Blogger hates me no matter what I do.)  Thank you so much to Ms. Shreditor and to DJ Allen.  See you next week!