Hawaii Five-O Review: Where Dinner Makes Everything Better!

Last week, the team split to solve two cases and, this week, the team is split again, but the show has added in a lot of scantily clad women and a couple of lady friends for McDanno, so we can all celebrate Valentine's Day! Woohoo!

We start out in a dance club where an awkward man has approached a beautiful woman at the bar and asked her if both of his hands look the same size (and that's not even the worst pick up line I've ever heard). The woman gets on board quick when she sees him flash a wad of cash, then they're drinking together, dancing, and kissing, and before you know it, they're in an alley up against a wall. Cut to a garbage truck coming down that alley the next morning and finding his bloody and obviously dead body and we're off to a fun Happy Valentine's Day start!

Lynn has surprised McG with a staycation in the presidential suite at the Hilton and there's a fruit basket and everything! He's happy to be away from work to spend some quality time with his lady friend. (Lady friend? Like a nice way to say friend with benefits? One step below a girlfriend? Huh.) Lynn says Happy Valentine's and they awkwardly hug while he's turning his face to look out the window. She avoids his kiss (what's the matter with you, girl?) and tells him to get a beer and go look at the view while she unpacks.  McG does as told and while he's on the balcony with his beer, he sees Danny on the next balcony over. (And we get our first of many annoyed McG face.) Danny calls for Melissa and she comes out with Lynn. They have adjoining rooms! On a romantic Valentine's getaway. (No. Just no. Why would anyone do that?) They're all grinning at McG oddly, and the girls go get ready for the beach. (I really like the actress who plays Melissa, but she just looks too young for Danny. Like she's Grace's former babysitter or something.) McG and Danny talk about his anti-social weirdo tendencies and how he can't be romantic with McG's judgey face and eyes watching him. (Is Danny admitting some performance issues?) They come up with the code word of "chicken salad" so McG will know when to leave Danny alone to get his groove on with Melissa.

Chin calls and tells them they caught a homicide. The team all knew about the surprise couples staycation and are betting who will check out of the hotel first. (So, everyone knew it was a bad idea?) McG offers to come help with the case and Danny chimes in that they could be there in ten minutes. (Wow, they were going to ditch their lady friends who obviously spent a boatload of money on those rooms? Nice.) Chin tells them to stay.

Back at the chatting table, Kono, Lou, and Chin talk about poor dead guy in the dumpster Jeremy who had his watch and wallet stolen and he had lipstick on his face. The thieves did leave his lanyard from a seminar called The Method so Kono and Chin go check it out. Blake Stone is up on stage teaching men how to run a game on a woman and be a lion prowling the savannah. Be sure to lie that you know people, and laugh at jokes that aren't told, and act like the life of the party. (Be still my heart! How did he know exactly what a woman looks for in a man!). Kono questions Blake about Jeremy and his not useful info is that he was at the bar with Jeremy last night and directed him over to the red dress woman and he looked happy when she led him out of the bar.

Back to the take-it-or-leave-it staycation. The couples are playing volleyball together complete with the iconic music from Top Gun's volleyball scene. (Does that make McG and Lynn, Maverik and Goose? Or are they Iceman? Hmm...) Since they're losing, I don't think we can compare, actually. We get some more annoyed McG face as Lynn isn't very good at all, and then he actually suggests to Danny that they switch teams. (One of the things I love about Steve is how sweet and sensitive he is when it comes to the people in his life, I was very surprised he was so insulting to his LadyFriendLynn.) Danny and Melissa are enjoying being the winning team, when a kid throws a Frisbee that hits Melissa in the butt. Danny demands an apology and when the 11 or 12 year old boy won't give one, Danny throws the Frisbee in the ocean. (I guess since McG was being rude and obnoxious, Danny thought he needed to go there as well.)

Good news for Lou, the bartender saw Jeremy and the red dress woman and thinks she was a pro! Lou shows him pics of women picked up for solicitation and he recognizes Vanessa. She works for a high end escort service that Lou knows about from his SWAT days, so he heads over there to talk to the owner Cordelia Martin. Cordelia asks him if he needs a date for Valentines, but Lou declines, and she tells him Vanessa left her employ for more money elsewhere.

McDanno has gone for a little swim to cool off in the ocean and Danny is rubbing it in that he won the volleyball game. They're toweling off when Danny can't find his sunglasses. He sees a pair on the same Frisbee kid and goes over to demand he give them back. The kid says they aren't Danny's glasses and refuses to hand them over. Danny reaches out, but the kid backs up and starts yelling that he's being touched inappropriately. People start rubbernecking so Steve quickly hauls Danny away and says he'll buy Danny more sunglasses.

Back at poolside, Blake is helping a guy named Richard pick up a beautiful woman in a swimsuit. Kono comes in to handcuff and arrest him on solicitation mixed with fraud since he hires the girls to be interested in the men from his seminars. They take him to the Blue Room of Doom and call him names. He's a glorified pimp! He's engaged in "douchebaggery" and he's a scam artist! He disagrees and says he's only helping poor men who have no confidence. Eventually they get it out of him that he knows where Vanessa lives, so they're going to take a car ride.

The NotSoRomanticStaycationCouples are getting spa treatments, with the boys getting a facial and the girls a manicure. (Why aren't they getting couples massages in the room or something romantic? This is so awkward). McG says this is pretty relaxing (He doesn't sound relaxed at all. Is he trying to convince himself?) and asks the spa lady if there's jasmine in the product. Annoyed Lynn says his talking is ruining her zen and Melissa adds that the commentary has to stop. With this romantic atmosphere (Not!) Danny also seems tense and eats his eye cucumbers. McG continues to talk and Lynn finally tells him to zip it. (Whoa. Somebody's cranky without her zen.) Danny finally just leaves and goes to track down the source of his tension---the FrisbeeKid. He's with some FrisbeeFriends now and Danny detains them all to say they should start fresh. The kid is not impressed and gives Danny his towel to wipe the facial stuff off as he walks away. Danny petulantly knocks a ball out of one of the kid's hands and just looks like a total jerk at this point. Why is he harassing a little kid over some cheap glasses? Oy.

By now, I'm wondering at this point if we'll get any romantic scenes at all. We don't. Melissa, McG, and Lynn get to do some yoga together and Steve is looking intense and off-balance, wearing a hideous headband. (Also, it's very strange that a man who has gone through the most rigorous military training in the country, who can go without food, drink, and sleep, and still do a clandestine op, can't do basic yoga poses? Is there a point when you ring the proverbial bell and have to turn in your SEAL card? Joe White would be shaking his head.) Lynn brings up how he wanted to change teams during volleyball and he says he didn't mean to offend anyone (even though that's the second time he's wanted to ditch her on their romantic getaway) and, then, to prove that he's not into the staycation fun at all, he leaves her again to run and check on Danny. (McG used to be so romantic and swoony. What in the heck happened?)

Kono deals with Blake coming on to her in the car and she shuts him down. He claims he's still turned on. (Ew. This case is a little too close to going over the squick factor line.) They find Vanessa's house and question the roommate, who says that Vanessa was afraid of a client and then we cut to Vanessa on the floor of a house, watching a guy named Neal with a gun look out the window. Uh oh.

McG finds Danny and he's doing "recon" by spying on the Frisbeekid. He knows where the glasses are, he says, and McG tells him he's separated from reality. (Which I heartily agree with. Who harasses a kid like that? How would Danny feel if someone was doing this to Grace? Seriously.) He figures out the kid's hotel room number and tells McG he's going in. This is personal. (But not very funny.)

Blake tells them that Neal used to be one of his clients and his fiancee dumped him, but Blake gave him a Total Confidence Rebuild. The team finds out Neal's ex-fiancee had a restraining order against him. Thankfully, Poor Dumped Neal used a credit card for a vacation rental so the team heads over there. And good thing because Neal is losing it. Vanessa is a terrible hostage and makes everything worse by confessing that she was paid to like him. She's sorry though. Neal understandably gets even more riled up that she used him. He freaks out yelling at her, so she stabs him and barricades herself in a room, screaming out a window for help. Neal's gone psycho now and is using a hammer to break through the door. (And what says Be My Valentine more than smashing through a door with a hammer?) Chin, Kono and Lou break in and save Vanessa, but Neal gave up on Vanessa and has gone to confront Blake. All the seminar people patiently waited for Blake to get back from the Blue Room of Doom and they're listening to more drivel when Neal confronts him. Kono shoots Neal in the shoulder before he can kill Blake and to thank her, Blake makes one more disgusting move on Kono, telling her he could go the distance with her. She says she's married and he says that's not a deal-breaker. (I had no idea what the point of that was. To drive it home that the guy is the opposite of what a woman wants?)

Anyway, McG follows Danny into the hotel telling him he's off the reservation on the way to crazy town. They get a maid to open the kid's hotel room door for them and Danny says it's all good because they have immunity and means. (Really? The governor will back them harassing a kid for some not great-looking sunglasses?) Danny finds the sunglasses finally and realizes they are indeed, not his. The family walks in and seem stunned, but are easily placated by Danny buying them dinner. I'm not kidding. Uncalled for harassment on a child and breaking into a hotel room? A dinner ain't going to make up for that mess. But I guess it works for this family! Dinner makes everything better.

And then we get the one romantic moment of the entire episode. Danny comes in and apologizes to Melissa for being "goofy." (That's not what I'd call it, but whatever.) She says she knew what she was getting into (Suuuure, she did) and we get a small kiss. She tells him they still have tonight and they should go get ready. In order to get ready, Danny turns on the game and sits on his own sunglasses. (This is sort of a metaphor for the episode I think. Getting all worked up for something and then realizing it's just broken and not going to happen.)

Since it worked so well with the family he harassed, Danny puts together a dinner on the beach for the lady friends to make up for being jerks on the staycation, complete with a serenade and champagne. McG says he appreciates what the girls did, they should do it again, but let the guys plan it. Danny starts saying chicken salad and McG ignores him. Because, hey, what's more romantic than that?

Wardrobe showed me some love again this week and put McG in blue on a sunset beach this time. Thank you, Wardrobe People!

No promo for next week.

Did you watch? What did you think?