I am so grateful to the authors who are brave enough to submit their work each week to be critiqued. I find it so helpful to see the corrections in someone else's work so I can learn what not to do in my own. If you would like to submit your first page for First Page Friday please refer to the instructions in the sidebar.
The Entry
The Entry
Becoming Wildcreek
by Joy Allen
England, 1888
Early May
“He’s really going to do it!” Jane Carlisle, Duchess of Chatham, hid behind the gnarled trunk of the old Sycamore tree and watched the duel begin between Henry, her husband, the Duke of Chatham, and his younger brother. “I didn’t believe that jackanapes William had enough bravado to step out on the field with my Henry, let alone hold a pistol in his hand while doing so.”
“Your Grace, please!”
Jane wasn’t sure if her maid’s exasperated words were a reprimand of her street language or whispered in worry for their Duke. Henry Carlisle, being fifteen years Jane’s senior, had more than time in his favor. He had a steady hand and an even temperament. Henry never seemed to get angry at Jane, or at his foolish brother, or at Henry’s employees even when he probably should do so to keep their respect. But what Henry failed to do in terror, he accomplished with patience and love.
“Stop fretting, Ella. Henry is the best shot in all of Yorkshire County, if it comes to that.” Jane risked a glance at the older woman huddled close behind her shoulder. Elle’s gray hair, pulled tightly on her head, matched her pallid complexion at the moment. Henry’s father, the late Duke, had employed Ella since Henry had turned two. Losing him would be too much like losing a dear son. “All Henry need do is stare menacingly at his brother and surely he’ll regret his words and apologize to me, forthwith.”
Ella grasped Jane’s elbow. “Yet, they pace away from each other, Your Grace.”
The morning’s fog had lifted enough for Jane to see Henry’s face. The breeze played with loose strands of brown, curly hair around his pinked cheeks. He smiled, and Jane felt like he wore a suit of metal armor instead of lamb’s wool. His shoulders were back, his spine ramrod straight as he walked in the muddy field. Even in the throws of a duel he was the proper gentleman.
by Joy Allen
England, 1888
Early May
“He’s really going to do it!” Jane Carlisle, Duchess of Chatham, hid behind the gnarled trunk of the old Sycamore tree and watched the duel begin between Henry, her husband, the Duke of Chatham, and his younger brother. “I didn’t believe that jackanapes William had enough bravado to step out on the field with my Henry, let alone hold a pistol in his hand while doing so.”
“Your Grace, please!”
Jane wasn’t sure if her maid’s exasperated words were a reprimand of her street language or whispered in worry for their Duke. Henry Carlisle, being fifteen years Jane’s senior, had more than time in his favor. He had a steady hand and an even temperament. Henry never seemed to get angry at Jane, or at his foolish brother, or at Henry’s employees even when he probably should do so to keep their respect. But what Henry failed to do in terror, he accomplished with patience and love.
“Stop fretting, Ella. Henry is the best shot in all of Yorkshire County, if it comes to that.” Jane risked a glance at the older woman huddled close behind her shoulder. Elle’s gray hair, pulled tightly on her head, matched her pallid complexion at the moment. Henry’s father, the late Duke, had employed Ella since Henry had turned two. Losing him would be too much like losing a dear son. “All Henry need do is stare menacingly at his brother and surely he’ll regret his words and apologize to me, forthwith.”
Ella grasped Jane’s elbow. “Yet, they pace away from each other, Your Grace.”
The morning’s fog had lifted enough for Jane to see Henry’s face. The breeze played with loose strands of brown, curly hair around his pinked cheeks. He smiled, and Jane felt like he wore a suit of metal armor instead of lamb’s wool. His shoulders were back, his spine ramrod straight as he walked in the muddy field. Even in the throws of a duel he was the proper gentleman.
Ms. Shreditor's Comments
What struck me first about this piece was the heading. It
sets a vague scene. Where in England are we? Why just “early” May and not a
specific date? Does this information need appear in chapter headings, or can it
be worked into the text somewhere? In most cases, just a chapter number will
suffice in fiction. If the entire story takes place in England, I think you can
establish time and place in the text without the headings.
The beginning of this sample felt a bit choppy to me. My
first instinct was to break the second sentence into a new paragraph, but then I realized
that it bridges the gap between Jane’s two bits of dialogue. Consider revising
so that it reads something like, “Jane Carlisle, Duchess of Chatham, exclaimed as
she hid behind the trunk of the old sycamore [note lowercase] tree...” That
way, the exposition doubles as a dialogue tag to improve flow.
The duel presents some immediate suspense, and the author
ups the ante by making it between brothers. The precipitating event, however,
is unclear. What could William have said to incite his own brother to a duel? Jane
seems almost flippant about it in places, so it couldn’t have been anything
mortally offensive.
Of particular concern to me is characterization. This first
page tells us a lot about Henry and not much about Jane herself. We’re not sure
exactly what has sparked the duel, and we don’t know much about her beyond her
title. Although she’s the catalyst of the unfolding action, she spends more
time observing other characters than telling us anything about herself. This
makes it difficult to connect with her.
Make sure to proof your first page carefully before
submitting to an editor or agent. Two spelling errors stood out immediately: 1)
In the fourth paragraph, Ella’s name is misspelled as “Elle” in the fourth
sentence. 2) The last sentence of the sample reads “throws of a duel” instead
of “throes of a duel.”
Minor errors like these are bound to happen in a full
manuscript, but they can be costly on a first page or in sample chapters. Book acceptance
is contingent upon a lot of factors beyond a writer’s control: the market, competitive
titles, reader trends, individual publisher preferences, etc. A writer can,
however, control the quality of his or her work. Get a second or even third set
of eyes on a submission to clean up any lingering errors. I’m not saying, of course,
that a book will be automatically rejected on the grounds of a typo. But if an
editor is on the fence about your story, errors could tip the scales out of
your favor.
Thank you so much to Ms. Shreditor and to Joy. Your hard work is appreciated. See you next week!
Thank you so much to Ms. Shreditor and to Joy. Your hard work is appreciated. See you next week!
