First Page Friday

I am excited about today's First Page Friday.  There are so many great nuggets of information.  I hope you find them as well.

As always I am grateful to Ms. Shreditor, a national editor who loves to help writers, and to all the authors who submit every week.  If you would like your first page critiqued, we have spots open in February, so please submit your 12 pt. font, double-spaced page to juliecoulterbellon@gmail.com with First Page Friday in the subject line.

See you next week!

The Entry
Cents 
by Rebecca H. Jamison

There’s a skill set to being poor. So far, I’d figured out the exact spot on the gas gauge that meant empty and how to fix just about anything with duct tape— I wore duct-taped shoes to my father’s funeral, and they didn’t look that bad. Today, since I’d lost a game of rock-paper-scissors to mom, I was forced to learn one more thing—how to get food without paying for it.

Walking toward the red brick building, I held onto Grace, my fifteen-year-old sister. It was probably a mistake to bring her, but leaving her at home with our sister Maren would’ve been like leaving her alone. As I pulled the heavy glass door open and stepped into a room that smelled like vanilla pudding mix, my salivary glands kicked into overdrive. It’d been a while since I’d had real food, but I wasn’t about to drool like one of Pavlov’s dogs over vanilla pudding mix, was I?

In the center of the convenience-store-sized room were five aisles filled with non-perishables. Grace pulled her hand out of my grasp and rushed toward the center aisle. “Where’s the Pop-Tarts?”

I followed, reaching for her hand. “I don’t think they have Pop-Tarts here,” I said, feeling the heat rise into my face. The clerk at the front of the store had probably already judged us as the type of people who ate junky breakfast products.

Grace scanned the cans. “I want chocolate Pop-Tarts.”

The clerk walked to the back room, darting a glance our way, a glance that said she knew our secret—that Grace wasn’t a normal fifteen-year-old girl. Sure, she looked normal with her trendy jeans, striped top, and hoop earrings. That was part of Mom’s plan to help her fit in. But there was always that moment of truth when people realized there was something different. It was best that way. Otherwise, she came across as rude.


Ms. Shreditor's Comments

I am a sucker for novels that open with a really succinct, really provocative first sentence. “There’s a skill set to being poor.” Seven words, no waste. Right away, we know that our narrator is poor with a strong set of survival instincts. The ensuing sentences offer us a glimpse of those survival skills at work—i.e., the duct-taped shoes and the need to obtain food without paying.

The setting is a bit unclear to me. There’s plenty of sensory imagery: the red brick, the smell of vanilla pudding, the heavy glass door. We know that this is a store-like setting wherein the narrator must somehow obtain food without paying. However, we’re not entirely clear on where she is. We know it’s a brick building roughly the size of a convenience store, but what kind of establishment is it exactly? Will the narrator be stealing to feed his or her family?

I liked the reference to Pavlov’s dogs. This unconditioned response drives home just how deeply hunger has affected these characters’ lives.

I find the character of Grace to be intriguing; however, I can’t deduce much about her condition from what we’re given. The narrator seems protective of her in a way that suggests she might harbor some sort of vulnerability. We know from the text itself that she is not a “normal fifteen-year-old girl,” a truth we see through the clerk’s objective eyes. This leaves the reader wondering whether she has some sort of psychological or developmental issue. The wondering isn’t a bad thing; the reader will pursue the answer past the first page. That’s the kind of momentum you want to build from the outset.

One thing struck me as contradictory: If these people are so poor that they live in a constant state of hunger, how does Grace have a trendy wardrobe? If the mother is so concerned about her children blending in, why would she allow another of her children to go out in public with duct-taped shoes?

Getting down to mechanics: This story presents a fantastic opportunity to explore the en dash (–). For those of you unfamiliar with the term, this dash is longer than a hyphen (-) but shorter than an em dash (—). We use this character when we want to, among other things, create compound adjectives or separate values in a range. In the third paragraph, we see a compound adjective, “convenience-store-sized,” modifying “room.” In an instance like this, when the item of comparison (i.e., convenience store) wouldn’t otherwise contain a hyphen, we use an en dash to create the compound. Thus, it becomes “convenience store–sized.” (Note: Many style guides, including the one I use at work, drop the “d” from the end of “size” when it’s used as an adjective.) Some other examples: Civil War–era coins, pages 15–30, Academy Award–winning director Ron Howard, etc.

Overall, I enjoyed this first page. The writing is quite good with very few errors. The only thing missing for me is more defining details about the narrator. Is this person male or female? Is he/she younger or older than the fifteen-year-old Grace? If this is truly the narrator’s story and not Grace’s, perhaps reveal more about him/her before introducing Grace. Because her character is portrayed so vividly, she steals the spotlight from the protagonist in the most crucial part of the book. She may be an important piece of the plot, but make sure that it’s your narrator who is driving it. 

Some Cool Things That Have Happened

I've had three cool author things happen to me lately and I was excited and wanted to share with you.  (And really, you need to write the awesome stuff down so you can go back and read it on those days when your self-doubt creeps in to tell you that you are a terrible writer).

The First Cool Thing

I was sitting in a dental office's reception area and the receptionist had read my new book All Fall Down and was telling me how much she liked it when the lady next to me interrupted.  "You're Julie Bellon?  I've read your books! They're so good."  She was so happy to meet me and acted like she was meeting a rock star for the first time.  Which made me thrilled she liked my books and also glad I'd put makeup on to come to the dentist office.

The Second Cool Thing

I was mentioned in the 2012 Mormon Literature Year in Review.  You can read the entire article here but the best part of it, for me, was this paragraph in the recommended novels section:  

“In mystery/suspense, S. P. Bailey’s Millstone City (Zarahemla), a crime thriller centering on a pair of missionaries on the run from gangsters in Brazil, was a favorite. William Morris wrote, “In Millstone City, the LDS mission novel and the thriller collide to create something new: an intense, gritty story that is nevertheless shot through with resilience, honesty, optimism, and, yes, that certain willful naïveté that missionaries possess. Call it Mormon neo-noir. Or full-throttle faithful realism.” Gregg Luke’s medical suspense Deadly Undertakings (Covenant) also was frequently mentioned to me as a favorite book. Others receiving attention include Stephanie Black’s murder mystery Shadowed (Covenant), Josi Kilpack’s cozy/culinary mysteries Banana Split and Tres Leches Cupcakes (Shadow Mountain), Rachelle Christensen’s crime drama Caller ID (Cedar Fort), Julie Coulter Bellon’s romantic thriller All Fall Down (self), Traci Abramson’s romantic thrillers Royal Secrets and Code Word (Covenant), and Tristi Pinkston’s cozy mystery Targets in Ties (Walnut Springs).”

The Third Cool Thing

I've been asked to present at the Pleasant Grove Library Professional Writers Series on May 16, 2013 on Achieving Your Publishing Dreams.  I'm excited about this because there are a lot of options available for every writer out there now.  And I'm always happy to support a library and its literacy efforts.

So there you have it---my three cool things that are making me smile these days and feel like a worthwhile author.  Have you had anything cool happen to you recently?  What makes you feel like a worthwhile author?

Read more about 2012 Mormon Literature Year in Review, Part 2, Mormon market and independent publishing | Dawning of a Brighter Day on:
http://blog.mormonletters.org/?p=5710&utm_source=INK&utm_medium=copy&utm_campaign=share&

Word Count Wednesday Where I Make My Excuses

Well, I didn't actually write any new words on my manuscript this week, but I pulled it up and looked at it.  And brainstormed a bit.  But that's about it.  I know, I know, I'm going to get to it, I promise.  I'm starting to get an itchy writing finger.

I had a root canal this morning and the doctor explained everything he was doing as he went along.  I sort of liked that because there was no surprises.  Although he called me hon, a lot, which I found odd.  And my face is still tingly.  I hate that feeling.

Also, my son got his LDS mission call today, so tonight he'll open it and we'll find out where he'll be serving and proselyting for two years.  The envelope is sitting here on my desk.  And I am not a patient woman so this is hard to have to wait until tonight.

So, that's my excuse.  I've been freaked out over having a root canal and distracted by my son getting his call. (And sorry if I sound rambly.  I think root canals steal brain cells.)

How did you do this week?

Castle and Hawaii Five-O Wrap-Up---Oh My!

Both shows last night were fairly unique.  Hawaii Five-O let the audience choose the ending (and they chose poorly in my opinion.)  You could go to CBS.com to see the other two endings that weren't chosen, and I was glad I did.

There were three suspects in the professor's death (and did they really have to show the acid-riddled body? I'm really starting to hate how graphic they're being with the bodies lately.  But I digress).  Anyway, there was the boss, the teacher's assistant, and the cheating student.  So the audience voted during the show and . . . turn away if you haven't watched already . . . but the boss won.  Which didn't make a lot of sense to me because the teacher's assistant had a motive and opportunity.  He was holding a grudge against the professor and knew a lot about him, including his long nights in the lab.  Oh well.  The boss was okay, but the actor wasn't that great in my opinion.  (And if you do go to see the alternate endings, it's really just putting a different face on the guy trying to shoot the researcher on the island.  No new info or scenes or anything like that.)

Danny's nephew was incredibly annoying throughout the episode, but I did like him sending that pic to all of Danny's address book.  The look on Danno's face was so funny.  Another highlight was the slow speed chase and Kono with that slimeball with a heart they've brought back to the island. (I'm not even going to attempt to spell his name).  Overall, a good episode, but not quite as good as normal with the ending issue.

Castle on the other hand was funny and heartwarming from beginning to end.  It wasn't a Caskett-centric episode as it concentrated mostly on Esposito, but I liked fleshing out his character.  And there were more great one-liners like, "I know you're not a cop with that flashy shirt and poofy hair."  (Which makes Castle look in the mirror behind him.  So. Funny.)  We also had, "I want to talk to the hottie detective,"  "You're looking at him."  Haha!  And of course, the line from Espo to Ryan, "the lady makes records that are only listened to by 12 year old girls and you."

I liked finding out more of Esposito's previous life and how hard he had it.  I like that he had a teacher for a mentor.  I liked that he was so tough, yet had a tender side with the kid.  The banter between the two of them was so funny.  "Houdini?  Who's that?"  "How old are you anyway?"  "Ancient." When I first saw the episode description I thought it might be the kid of the lady from the Santa episode and Espo would take him under his wing, but I liked that it was a street kid with no one.  Esposito was protective of him with Shane and the bodyguard, and yet told the kid how it really was and showed him someone could care.  Really well done.

My favorite Caskett moment was the beginning, of course, and the conversation about if you pick a horrible movie then you lose a turn.  Beckett cuffing Esposito upside the head when he agreed with Castle was cute and funny.  I love their relationship and the chemistry with the four of them.

So, a pretty great episode of Hawaii Five-0 (and that sunset shot near the end completely enthralled me.  Hawaii, I love you and someday we will be together) and a great episode of Castle.  Twisty mysteries, funny one-liners, a girl really can't ask for more.

Do you watch a show and think of alternate endings?  What do you think when a show does that in real-time?

Double Book Review: Heart of the Ocean and Take My Heart

Well, in a bit of a snafu on my part, I'm a tour stop for two tours today.  But it's a bonus for you, my dear readers, because you get two reviews instead of one.  Read one, get one free, or something like that.  And both of these books are well worth your time.

The first one is Heart of the Ocean by Heather Moore.  It's a historical fiction and nothing like I've read before.  It's about a New York society girl who turns down a marriage proposal and has to go to Puritan Maybrook to escape the gossip columns.  While there she hears a voice that's connected to a town mystery, and just after hearing it, lands in jail accused of murder.  A handsome young lawyer with secrets of his own tries to help her out, but the two seek answers to the cold-blooded murders of people they love that could get them both killed.

Seriously, this book was spine-tingling.  I read it late at night (stayed up until 1:30 a.m. one night to finish) and just being in a darkened room with the wind howling outside my window provided the perfect ambiance.  The ghost angle to the book was spooky, the romance was sigh-worthy, and the mystery had several twists and turns that I didn't see coming.  I had one angle figured out, but just as I was feeling all smug about that, the author threw a curve and I didn't know as much as I thought I did.  It was great.  My only complaint was that I really wanted to see a certain young lady to get her comeuppance and realize what she threw away, but that was only a personal preference and nothing to do with the story really.  (I don't want to give anything away so I won't name her, but if you've read the book I bet you know who I'm talking about. She's really flirty and curvy and demanding).  I just didn't like the character in the book and would have loved to see her get her just desserts.  Also, I loved the character of Nathaniel Prann and I hope we see him in a future book (I'm really crossing my fingers this is a start of a series of some sort.)

As it is, though, the characters are well-rounded and the depth of emotion surrounding the circumstances really makes them believable.  The setting is very well done, but the best part that kept me up so late was the mystery.  It's one of those where you just say, wow, I didn't see that one coming.  Great job, Heather!

Here's more information on the book!

Tour Schedule

Heart of the Ocean
by Heather B. Moore

A dark secret . . . a grieving ghost  . . . a handsome stranger  . . .
What more could Eliza Robinson want?
Except for maybe her life.

In Heather B. Moore’s enthralling 1840’s historical romance, Heart of the Ocean, Eliza Robinson has turned down the very pretentious Mr. Thomas Beesley’s marriage proposal. As a business partner of Eliza’s father, Thomas quickly discredits the family and brings disgrace to the Robinson name.

While her father scrambles to restore his good name in New York City, Eliza flees to the remote Puritan town of Maybrook to stay with her Aunt Maeve. Although relieved to be away from all- things-male and unforgiving gossip columns, odd things start to happen to Eliza, and she is plagued by a ghostly voice. Her aunt’s explanation? That Eliza is being haunted by a woman who died of a broken heart twenty years ago.

After Aunt Maeve is tragically killed, Eliza's life is put in danger as she tries to uncover the mystery of her aunt's death. She encounters Jonathan Porter in Maybrook, whose presence in the town seems suspicious, yet she finds herself drawn to him. When she discovers that Jonathan’s dark secrets may be the link between the dead woman who haunts her and her aunt’s murderer, Eliza realizes that Jonathan is the one man she should never trust.

Purchase

Amazon * Smashwords * Barnes & Noble

Author Heather B. Moore
Heather B. Moore is the award-winning author of ten novels, two inspirational non-fiction books, and two anthologies, including The Newport Ladies Book Club Series, A Timeless Romance Anthology, and Christ's Gifts to Women (co-authored by Angela Eschler).

Her historical fiction is published under the pen name H.B. Moore. She is the two-time recipient of Best of State in Literary Fiction, two-time Whitney Award Winner, and two-time Golden Quill Winner for Best Novel. Her most recent historical novel under H.B. Moore is Daughters of Jared (2012 LUW Gold Award of Excellence & 2012 LUW Best Book Trailer).

                          Website * Blog * Facebook * Twitter

Tour Schedule

The second book is Take My Heart by Marie Higgins.  This is another historical fiction, but also had unique elements to it.  Mercedes is called to an insane asylum to visit her twin sister.  She hasn't seen Katherine since her sister's marriage to William Braxton, but is shocked to see the depressed shell of a sister lying on a dirty mattress.  Kat tells her how brutal her husband is and how awful her life was with him. She says that she believes William to be a spy against the crown.  Mercedes is a widow of a man who used to hunt down spies and turn them over to the English government so she makes a plan of revenge against William for what he's done to Kat.  She'll gather evidence against him, turn him over, and see him hang.

She goes to William and ends up taking her twin sister's place so she can get close to William and find the evidence she needs.  As events unfold, however, she begins to realize not all is quite as her sister said.  Danger surrounds her in William's home and the tenuous relationship between the colonials who are meeting in secret to solidify their fight for freedom and the English officers comes to a head with Mercedes square in the middle.  It is definitely a page-turner in the fact that you wonder when William will figure out that the wife he knew and the one at his side aren't the same woman, as well as the mystery behind who is trying to kill William and round up the colonial sympathizers.  

I thought the setting was well-done and I really loved the main characters. I liked Mercedes' interaction with the family and William's genuine puzzlement to the change in his wife.  The mystery was good, but without giving anything away I didn't think the villain had a particularly strong reason to do what they did.  It felt like it needed something just a little stronger to justify what they did in the book, but it was still a great way to pass an afternoon.  The best part of this book for me was the romance since there was so much distrust going around and the author does a great job in the falling in love department.  But can the revenge plan go through if Mercedes loves the man and his children?  So many intriguing questions and thankfully, they are all answered by the end. Another historical read that is definitely worth your time.

Here is more information on this book and the GIVEAWAY:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Take My Heart by Marie Higgins

Mercedes Maxwell’s sister’s last wish was for Mercedes to find evidence against Kat’s husband, William Braxton, and have him hung as a traitor to the crown. Mercedes isn’t naïve when it comes to capturing traitors, because her own deceased husband had once been an agent for the King when they lived in England.

When she meets William Braxton for the first time, all is not as it seems. Portraying her twin, Mercedes knows this is the only way to get close enough to William to discover his secrets. What she finds along the way are little surprises she hadn’t counted on, especially when she begins to give her heart to a man who may be a spy against the crown.




Book Trailer

Praise for Marie Higgins

”I enjoyed this book immensely. Each book of Marie's that I read is better than the last. I recommend this book to young adults and older who enjoy historical mystery, intrigue, fight for freedom, clean romance. This is the book for you.”
~~Mary Walling / Goodreads

“Few authors have mastered the art of storytelling like Marie Higgins. In this Colonial-era romance, Marie takes her reader on a wild ride. Every chapter, every scene, every line envelopes the reader's senses and imagination with passionate romance, deep emotional struggles, unexpected twists and turns, and neverending ups and downs. This was a hard book to put down and earns an unequivocal five stars from me. Thanks, Marie, for writing such great romances!”
~~Wanda Luce / Goodreads

 “Marie Higgins's Take My Heart is a stunning colonial romance. With well developed characters and heartwarming scenes, this book will steal the hearts of romance lovers and historical fiction fans. There are numerous twists and Higgins keeps you guessing at every turn as to who the real villain is. This book is a "must-read" for anyone who loves romance, history, or just a good story. FIVE STARS ALL THE WAY!!” ~~L.D. Smith / Kindle

“Breathless! From start to finish you will keep wondering, questioning, and hoping. You will root for the underdog, and smile as love conquers all. Great read. You won't put it down until you're finished!”
~~M. Henning / Kindle

Purchase

Amazon * Barnes & Noble * Amazon Kindle

Author Marie Higgins

Since Marie Higgins was a little girl playing Barbies with her sister, Stacey, she has loved the adventure of making up romantic stories. Marie was only eighteen years old when she wrote her first skit, which won an award for Funniest Skit. A little later in life, after she’d married and had children, Marie wrote Church roadshows that were judged as Funniest and Best Written. From there, she branched out to write full-length novels based on her dreams. (Yes, she says, her dreams really are that silly)

First Page Friday

Well, it's a snowy January day.  What better way to spend it than gleaning writing tips from First Page Friday!

As always, I would like to thank Ms. Shreditor and all the authors who submit their work so we all can learn.  See you next week!

The Entry
Untitled
by John Forsythe

He put his right hand into the scanner as the electronic voice instructed. He felt the warmth of the machine as it scanned not just his fingerprints but his palm print as well. He hated the next part, and he winced just as he always did as the metallic teeth, like a saw blade, scratched from the base of his palm all the way to the tips of his fingers. The teeth peeled the top layer of skin off his hand—a precaution against anyone trying to beat the fingerprint scanner with some kind of synthetic.

What you are guarding is more dangerous than nuclear weapons…

Next was the retinal scan, first the regular, then a blast of cold air almost hard enough to push him back from the scanner, drying out his eye and forcing him to hold his eye open with his fingers to make sure his eye didn’t close. If it closed, he wouldn’t be able to continue. He would have to go in for an hour of training on the check-in procedures. Thankfully, his eye stayed open, and the door unsealed. He yanked on the door, knowing he had only five seconds before the door snapped shut again with enough force to cut a man in half. It took two seconds to get the door open, and another second and a half to get through. If you were slow, you were either dead or you had to start the check-in process again.

Ms. Shreditor's Comments

This is a really compelling first page overall. I found myself wondering what the narrator might be guarding and shocked at the extreme security checkpoints through which he had to pass. Particularly horrifying was the machinery that peeled off the top layer of skin on his hand. This did raise one question for me: How often does he pass through this checkpoint? Wouldn’t a hand get pretty raw if the top layer of skin were removed often? I’ll admit that I’m not well versed in security technology.

For the most part, the writing in this piece flows really nicely. It’s evident to me that the author A) has a knack for language and syntax, and B) has edited this thoroughly. Aside from a punctuation tweak here and there, I think my red pen (or, perhaps more accurate, tracked changes in Microsoft Word) would remain fairly quiet on this first page.

I only tripped over the rhythm in one place: the first paragraph. Here, we have three consecutive sentences that begin with “he” + [verb]. If you read this aloud to yourself, you’ll hear the inadvertent choppiness that this structural repetition creates. You might try identifying the narrator by name in the first sentence to eliminate one “he.” You might also recast one or both of the subsequent sentences for variety—e.g., “The machine warmed his hand as it scanned not just his fingerprints but his palm print as well” and/or “The next part made him wince: Metallic teeth, like a saw blade, scratched from the base of his palm all the way to his fingertips.”

Lastly, watch out for word repetition. In the third paragraph, there are four occurrences of the word “door” in three sentences. I’d recommend revising to eliminate some of that repetition.

If this first page is a reflection of the state of the rest of the manuscript, I think it’s pretty close to ready. It sets up some pretty high stakes with the mysterious object that is more dangerous than nuclear weapons. Because the story is action-oriented, it sustains a suspenseful pace right out of the gate. Well done!

Three Steps To Keep Myself Motivated

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” - Martin Luther King Jr.

Sometimes writing feels like that for me---there are days when I'm flying through the pages, days when i'm running, then walking, and finally just crawling to the keyboard to write a page or two if I'm lucky.  This has been tough sometimes when I'm under a deadline or needing to finish. But then I discovered something.

I am much more internally motivated.

I can promise myself all sorts of external treats and rewards for finishing things, (and that's not a bad thing) but for the most part, it comes right down to the feeling of satisfaction I get when the writing is flowing as opposed to the feeling of frustration when it isn't.  I want the satisfaction more than the frustration, and that's where my internal motivator comes in.

In order to keep the frustration at bay, and to want to sit down and get my story out and have it keep flowing after the initial chapters, I have to have a plan.  I have to have done some research and a general outline to know where I'm going.  Then I'll get the satisfaction and inner motivation I'm looking for.  If I've missed a step, all I'll get is frustration as I crawl along aimlessly.

So, today I am going to follow three steps to motivate myself:

• Visualize the ending.
• Do my research for character and setting purposes.  Use notes to keep myself focused.
• Make a plan to get to the already visualized end in the form of a general outline.

I know if I follow these steps, my motivation will increase and I'll have more than zero to report at the next Word Count Wednesday.

What motivators do you use?