The Fun Part of Being a Writer

Last week I had the opportunity to go to a dinner my publisher had put on for its authors.  I went, not for the food, but for the company.  I love being in the same room with other writers.

I got to be appropriately awed by authors like David Woolley who spoke to me while we waited for our food (and remembered me from Six LDS Writers and a Frog blog!) and Jean Matthews who talked to me about her research for her historical fiction novels.  I also sat at a table with a new author, Frank Holdaway, whose first book will be out next month.

I got hugs and great conversation from Angela Eschler and Kelly Schumacher and I got to tease Nancy Campbell Allen and Josi Kilpack at the dessert table.  Now I know why Josi makes such great culinary mysteries---her taste buds are impeccable!  (Plus, I like her even more since she saved me from the humiliation of accidentally knocking an entire cheesecake to the floor.  She has quick hands!)

I laughed with Julie Wright and Jeff Savage's wife, Jennifer, and in general just basked in the amazing feeling of being with people who love to do what I do.  We always have so much to talk about, I think those events could go on all night.

I was sorry to see the evening end, but it did make me look forward to the next time I can rub shoulders with such inspiring people.  It is one of the fun parts of being a writer for sure.

Who inspires you?  And do you ever get to talk/associate with them?

First Page Friday

Just a reminder that you have until midnight tonight to enter the Back to the Books Giveaway Hop.  Just click on the pic in my sidebar to enter. On to First Page Friday!


The Entry
The Light of Dawn
by Kale O'Connor

The night was cold and the wind blowing through the keep made the guard’s eyes water. He was not a large man, though he wasn’t small either, he was young despite the weathered lines around his eyes. He was mid-twenties, with dark brown hair, bright green eyes and strong jaw.

On the outside, it seemed as though he had everything: a beautiful wife, food on the table, which was hard to come by these days, the weather being how it was, trade was slow.

However on the inside, he felt empty, as though he was destined for something more…”Greatness is something every man should strive for, it’s better to rise and fall than never to take the chance”, these words rang in his mind constantly on these long watches, something his father had told him when he was a boy, something he felt he had never done.

The sound of rain began to ring inside his plate helm as he peered into the darkness that surrounded him, “how could it get any worse” he thought to himself, it was still hours until his watch was done and he could join his wife in bed.

He thought of his wife, she was a truly beautiful woman. She had deep brown eyes he could stare at for hours, caramel skin and a smile that could bring him out of any stupor.

At least it once could, lately it seemed as though nothing could rouse him from this feeling, like an endless weight upon his shoulders.

As the night dragged on there was nothing happening. As it was night after night, though his Captain always insisted they maintain their duty. The population depended on them, he understood it, but at times like these he didn’t like it.

Just as his watch was coming to an end, he thought he saw movement in the trees just to his right. Though he tried to focus his eyes in the darkness, he couldn’t get a clear view of what was there, if anything at all.

He gestured to one of the archers to focus on the area where he had seen the movement. The archer took aim and waited…nothing; he replaced his arrow in his quiver and gave a slight smirk towards the guard, “seeing things Lori?”

Maybe he was seeing things. Then again maybe he wished he had seen something, if only to give his job some semblance of meaning, some kind of feeling that he was making a difference. 

Ms. Shreditor's Comments

Before I dive into my critique, I want to comment on the length of this piece. At 421 words, it’s about to run onto a second page. The average narrative book runs between 250 and 350 words per page. (The only books I’ve worked on with higher per-page word counts were dense, academic nonfiction.) So, while this sample technically fits on a single page, it would run onto a second page if the manuscript were double-spaced as per Julie's submission guidelines. Make sure to pay close attention to submission guidelines before submitting to an agentor editor. You don't want to miss your big break on a technicality!

What I really like about this piece is the amount of introspection the author jam-packs into such a small space. By the time I finished reading, I felt like I was getting to know Lori. The ending in particular was quite powerful for me: “...if only to give his job some semblance of meaning, some kind of feeling that he was making a difference.” This establishes clear motivation. It helps me to understand what drives Lori as a character.

One suggestion: Introduce character names to readers earlier to forge a more immediate connection. Until the very end, we know Lori only as “the guard,” which makes him feel somewhat remote. We also don’t learn the wife or the archer’s names. All of the ambiguous “he” and “she” references distance the reader from the characters at a time when forging a connection is most crucial.

Be particularly careful when establishing secondary characters. Secondary characters can be a story’s lifeblood, but only if they’re multidimensional. Otherwise, they’re little more than a mouthpiece, cheerleader, or foil for the protagonist. Here, the narrative makes brief mention of the wife, addressing only her physical beauty. This, along with the fact that we don’t learn her name, makes her feel more like an object than a living, breathing character. Is she meant to be a mere decoration in the story, or is she to play a larger role? If
it’s the latter, her introduction needs to establish more than her good looks.

Also, make sure to avoid what I call “laundry lists” of descriptors. In one place, Lori is described as “mid-twenties, with dark brown hair, bright green eyes and strong jaw.” In another, his wife is described as “truly beautiful,” with “deep brown eyes . . ., caramel skin, and a smile that could bring him out of any stupor.” While laundry lists can squeeze a lot of description into a small space, they tend to ring hollow on the page. Instead of creating vivid images with imaginative turns of phrase, they essentially instruct the reader how to see a given person or place within pretty rigid parameters.

Lastly, this piece will need to undergo a good line edit before it’s ready for submission. There are a lot of punctuation issue and comma splices. For example: “He was not a large man, though he wasn’t small either, he was young despite the weathered lines around his eyes.” There needs to be a period or semicolon between “either” and “he.” When a comma separates independent clauses, or phrases that could stand on their own as complete sentences, this is called a comma splice.

A little cleanup on this front will go a long way in preparing this piece for submission. There are some larger issues to tackle in terms of characterization and plot details (i.e., explaining Lori’s role as a guard and defining the “duty” to which the story alludes). But these are all common issues when a manuscript is in its developmental stages. This story succeeds where even published books sometimes fall short: From the beginning, the text establishes vital details about the protagonist to help the reader connect with him immediately. This is no small feat, so be proud of the work you’ve done on this piece.



Thanks to Kale and Ms. Shreditor for their time and effort.  See you next week!

The First Chapter of All Fall Down

I am so excited about the release of my new book, All Fall Down this month, I wanted to share the first chapter with you today!  I hope you like it.  :)

Chapter One

Something was wrong.  Rafe could feel it.  He’d opened the door to the building that housed his family’s business, but hesitated before going in.  The hairs on the back of his neck stood straight up.  With a cursory glance into the lobby of the building, he couldn’t see anything wrong.  Chalking it up to being in Afghanistan too long, where he relied on his senses to stay alive, Rafe went in, tugging on his collar.  Maybe that was it.  He was reacting to the civilian uniform of a shirt and tie when he’d rather be in his Navy SEAL gear.  It’s not like I could have shown up in desert cammies and boots, he thought.  But it might have been worth it to see the look on his brother’s face if he’d walked into the meeting dressed like that.  Vince was always a little obsessive about appearances.

Glancing up at the second floor landing where people could enjoy the atrium, Rafe swept the area for anything out of the ordinary and saw a man intently watching him.  Stepping forward to get a closer look, the man noticed his interest and turned, disappearing.  Rafe went to the elevators, all of his senses on alert now.  Should I go to the second floor?  Am I over-reacting? 

With a grimace, he tried to loosen his tie, just a little.  It felt harder to think when he was buttoned down with a tie, but as he quickly mulled it over, he decided it was an over-reaction.  Some guy watching him didn’t mean anything was wrong.  It could simply be his subconscious urging him not to go in because he'd been battling himself all morning about coming.  Ever since Vince had been made acting-president, he’d been making demands on everyone and Rafe planned to say no to anything Vince asked him.  Their father would be on his feet soon and Rafe would be back in the field as soon as his knee healed.  There was no point in starting anything with Dad’s business.  Rafe wasn’t planning on being here longer than he had to be.  He pulled on his tie again, definitely regretting the choice of attire. 

He took a deep breath and ran an impatient hand through his longer-than-normal hair.  The air was humid, and from the looks of the pewter gray sky on his way in, Rafe knew they’d have rain before the afternoon was out. And rain will make my knee ache, he thought with an inward groan.

 Realizing how much his injury had taken over his thoughts, his actions¾his life¾he made a promise not to dwell on it any more today. Men wearing shirts and ties just like him strode through the lobby, getting to their jobs where they belonged.  Will that ever be me?  Could I be happy working inside all day?  With how ugly the last mission in Afghanistan had been and how slow his knee was healing, he knew he might have to think about that in the near future.  But not today.

He got into the elevator, the hairs on the back of his neck prickling again.  Stop it. Nothing is wrong.  He looked around the elevator, just to reassure himself.  Two men in suits and a woman in the corner, watching him.  Nothing dangerous.  Rafe gave her a smile and turned back around.  Everything is fine.  I’m going to meet my baby brother and get the you-could-help-me-around-here routine.  I’m going to say no.  Then I’m going to visit Gary.  There’s nothing to worry about. 

The elevator dinged as they reached his floor and Rafe put a smile on his face.  At least he could look forward to seeing his old friend Gary Holman.  Gary had gone through SEAL training with Rafe from start to finish and they’d served together in Afghanistan.  When Gary was wounded in combat and sent home, Rafe had recommended him to his father because of his computer skills.  The rest was history.  From what Rafe could see Gary was happier than he’d ever been.  He couldn’t wait to kick back and relax with him like old times. 

Rafe got off the elevator and headed toward his dad’s office.  Axis, Inc., had grown a lot.  It had started out as a corner office and small reception area, and had now expanded to fill the entire eighth floor.  Computer forensics was a booming business these days, apparently.  Rafe stopped mid-stride to look at the receptionist desk, trying to hide his surprise.  Instead of the familiar receptionist his father had employed for years, there was a young woman with curly blonde hair down her back.  She looked up at him with a large smile on her face, her long, obviously fake lashes nearly touching her eyebrows.  Rafe couldn’t turn away, but knew it was rude to stare.  “Can I help you?” she finally asked.

“Uh, no.” He watched her give him the once-over.  Her lashes seemed to have a life of their own as she blinked rapidly.  “I have an appointment.”  He walked toward the door that led to the offices, but found that it was locked.  “New security?” he asked, turning back to the mini-me of Tammy Faye Baker who was now standing at her desk.   Why didn’t I take my father’s private elevator from the parking garage?

“What was your name?” She smoothed her skirt down, calling attention to the length of material.  Or lack thereof. 

“I’m Rafe Kelly.  I’m meeting my brother Vince.”

“Ohh.” She came around the desk, her impossibly wide smile even wider.  “Are you the Navy SEAL?  Vince told me about you. I’d be happy to swipe you through.”

She wobbled a bit walking toward him and Rafe’s eyes slid to her ankles.  Her heels had to be at least six-inch platforms.  It was a wonder she could walk at all.  As she drew near, she wobbled again and he reached out an arm to steady her. 

“Thank you.” She stared up at him, her blue eyes as calculating as an accountant at tax time.  “I’m so clumsy sometimes.”

She pressed herself against his arm and Rafe politely stepped back.  With a wink, or maybe a long eyelash blink, she grasped the card hanging from her lanyard around her neck.  Leaning over to the door’s security panel, she swiped it, practically posing for Rafe as she did so. 

Rafe wanted to roll his eyes at her blatant attempt to flirt with him, but he maintained a polite smile.  Maybe if I don’t react . . .

Nope.  “My name’s Penny,” she said, her voice a little more breathy as she straightened and took his arm again.  “You know, I always show up, just like a shiny new penny.”

Rafe raised his eyebrows.  “Isn’t the phrase a bad penny always turns up?”

“Well, if you put it that way,” she practically purred, running her hand up his arm, stopping to squeeze his left bicep. “I’d be happy to turn up to show you my bad side.  Or even turn up somewhere you’re going to be.”

Rafe kept his smile pasted on his face, but moved his arm back an inch to free it from her manicured grasp.  He wasn’t unused to female attention¾being a SEAL got him his fair share, but he wasn’t looking for it right now.   And she definitely wasn’t his type.  Trying to imagine her hiking, or swimming, or doing anything he liked to do was nearly impossible.  High maintenance. 

He reached for the door handle that now had a flashing green light to the side of it, anxious to be out of this awkward situation.  “Thanks, but . . . I don’t think so.” 

She stepped toward him, cutting off his ability to escape unless he wanted to knock her off her high heels.  “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

Rafe resisted the urge to be rude.  Does she treat everyone this way?  Is that why Vince hired her?  He made a mental note to at least ask Vince what had happened to Genevieve.  She was professional and had worked for Axis from the beginning.  His father wouldn’t have fired her.   

He opened his mouth to say ‘I have to go,’ when the elevator behind them dinged, announcing an arrival.  They both turned at the sound and Penny moved away from him to head back to her desk.  “Thank you,” Rafe said on a sigh of relief, glancing back to see who had saved him from that uncomfortable situation with Penny.  The hairs on the back of his neck stood up again and with a start of surprise, he recognized the familiar figure that walked out of the elevator, looking around as if he were lost. 

“Gary,” Rafe called, turning toward his friend.  “Are you just getting back from lunch?”  He stretched out his hand.  Gary’s burns had faded a lot more in the last few months, the grafts making his injured face look so much better.  Everything was looking up.

Rafe was about to pull him into a hug, but Gary reared back, his eyes darting to the people around them.  He wiped sweat away from his brow, putting his other hand into the pocket of the very large jacket he was wearing. “Gary, what’s wrong?”

At that second, Gary drew out a gun and when he did, his jacket parted.  Strapped to his chest was what looked like the weapon prototype they’d been testing in Afghanistan just ten months ago.  “Rafe, I need you to come to the roof with me. Right now,” he choked out. 

Rafe held out his hands, hoping he was coming across as conciliatory. Is this a PTSD episode?   “Gary, let’s talk about this.  Whatever this is about, I can help you.”

Gary shook his head.  “I don’t have a choice.”  He waved toward the bomb. “You’ve got to come with me now or the bomb will detonate.” 

            Turning back to Penny who seemed frozen at her desk, Rafe said sharply, “Call 911.  Now,” and then he headed for the stairs with Gary.  Looking at his friend’s desperate face, Rafe sucked in a breath.  It hadn’t been an over-reaction after all.  Something was definitely very wrong.

Word Count Wednesday

Well, once again my word count was low, (I was replacing all the nods, felts, wondered, and looked in my WIP) but that's because I have been getting ready to launch my new book, All Fall Down!  I have some fun ideas and contests coming up, so I hope you'll check back.

Also, if you haven't entered my Back to the Books Giveaway Hop, you totally should.  There are a ton of great prizes, including mine.  I'm offering a Book Lover's Box with my new book, gourmet hot chocolate, and a hand-tied blanket.  All you have to do is write me a first paragraph in the comment section of the Hop post (click on the Book Hop pic in the sidebar to go right to it.)

If you haven't read through some of those first paragraphs I've gotten already, you should.  They are great!  Go look, seriously.  I'll wait.

All right, now that you've read the paragraphs, and entered yourself, how did you do in your word count this week?  Was it awesome?

Book Review: My Loving Vigil Keeping

When I started My Loving Vigil Keeping I was thinking it might be the old cliche of a poor girl trying to get as far away from her mean rich relatives, so she spontaneously takes a job in the boonies.  Of course she'd fall in love with the town and maybe a gentleman or two and get her happy ending.

I was both wrong and right.

Della Anders is no stranger to tragedy.  Her father dies in a mining accident when she is small, her mother abandoned them when she was a baby, so she's sent to her rich uncle Karl and his family.  They treat her no better than a servant, but Della perseveres and puts herself through school to get a teaching certificate.  From there, she takes an advertisement for a job in a mining camp and becomes the teacher there.  The author, Carla Kelly, actually intertwines real historical people from the Scofield mines with her fictional characters and she does a fantastic job of making the events leap off the page.  I thought Della had real depth and I laughed and cried right along with her as she experienced finding herself, finding love, and then facing the fact that she could lose it all.

If you ever wanted to know more about mining and Utah at the turn of the century, all while wrapped in the fictional world mixed with real people, then this is the historical romance for you.  Sweet, clean, realistic, and one you'll want to read again.

Here is the back copy:

Della's giving up all the comforts of bustling Salt Lake City to teach school in a rural coal mining camp. Little does she know, she may soon be giving up her heart as well. But when tragedy strikes in the Scofield Mine, Della's life will be changed forever. Based on true events, this thrilling new romance from award-winning and bestselling author Carla Kelly is a must-read!

I Was Interviewed!

First of all, I hope you're having a wonderful Labor Day!

Second, I was interviewed by Tanya Parker Mills today.  (So, that means I'm having a wonderful Labor Day.  Ha!)  Tanya is offering some great book prizes in her contest so you should check out the interview, to see if there's anything you didn't know about me on it, and then enter her contest.  Just sayin'

You can read the interview here

Also, don't forget the Back to the Books hop I'm doing.  There's more great book prizes being offered on that.  You could totally hit the book jackpot today!  (Details are in the post below.)

Back to the Books Hop

I love fall.  I love the cooler temps, the leaves changing, the crispness in the air.  I love snuggling under a lap blanket with my favorite book and a mug of hot chocolate.  Or, even starting a fire in the fireplace just because.  It's a great feeling of starting a new season, a new school year, and getting back to routines. So, in honor of that, I thought I'd participate in a back to the books hop.

Here's the deal.  Tons of great blogs are offering incredible book prizes and I am one of them!  All you have to do for an entry is to write an opening paragraph for a novel using the phrase "back to the books," somewhere in it.  Leave it in the comment trail.  Be as original, silly, or as serious as you want.  It's only a paragraph.  This will be fun!

For an extra entry you can:

Become a follower of this blog

Like my Facebook page here

What will you win, you ask?  I will give you a Book Lovers' basket including a copy of my brand-new novel, All Fall Down, a hand-tied lap blanket, and my favorite hot chocolate mix.

So, hurry.  Think of a great opening paragraph and post it in the comments!

Contest closes at midnight on September 7th.  And here is a list of other participating blogs.