First Page Friday

Thank you to everyone for their opinions and comments yesterday.  I've decided to follow your advice and include the epilogue.  If a reader doesn't want to read it, they are free to skip.  (But I hope you all read it.  It's good!)

On to First Page Friday.  As always, if you'd like to have your first page critiqued, just email it to juliecoulterbellon@gmail.com with First Page Friday in the subject line.  Remember to keep it double-spaced!



The Entry
Emma:  A Latter-day Tale
by Rebecca Jamison

My best friend was on her honeymoon, and I deserved a vacation myself, which was sort of what I got. A blizzard blew in a few hours after we dropped the newlyweds off at the airport, leaving us with no electricity, an unplowed street, and a refrigerator full of reception leftovers. Chicken salad anyone?

That was one good thing about living in Northern Virginia—a foot of snow meant no school or work for a few days. Still, it was nothing like Hawaii. Instead of lying on the beach in the sun, I split wood while the wind whipped through my hair and stung my face.

I wasn’t sorry when Justin Knightly came up the driveway because I was sure he’d take over the splitting. Justin stopped in front of me. “Does your dad know you’re using an axe?”

I swung the axe up over my head. “Twenty-three is old enough to use an axe. It’s a good way to work out my frustration.”

Justin stepped back. “Agreed.”

I pointed to the window above us, where Dad stood watching. “He’s ready with the first aid kit,” I said.

Justin wore a backpack and his ski gear. He also wore the relaxed grin of a guy who hadn’t shaved that morning. “Okay, Red, you look like you need a rest. Why don’t you let me takeover?”

I swung the axe against the log. “I’m not a red-head anymore.”

He laughed. “I keep forgetting. It must be the light.” Justin’s hair was in between blond and brown. He wore it short, which made it harder to tell what color his hair was. Mine was auburn.

I handed over the axe. “You know I hate it when people act like my hair color is all about me having a bad temper.”

Angela and Heidi's Comments

Wanted: A Sassy Attitude and a Good Sense of Humor

Our heroine has good “voice” and an ironic sense of humor. You can tell she’s going to have a bit of attitude, in a wry sort of way. I loved it when she says her dad’s standing by with the first aid kit. She’s also going to be a bit spunky; energetically working off her frustration by chopping wood on a cold, windy day clues us in to who we’re dealing with. This character has a distinct personality and promises to keep the reader entertained.

The whole “Does your dad know you’re using an ax?” bit is a great way to sneak in her age without feeling artificial. It also shows off Justin’s personality and sense of humor.

Same goes for the “I’m not a red-head anymore” line. It provides a potentially nice segue into the characters’ hair color and starts building an image of them in the reader’s mind, without being too awkwardly obvious. Then there’s some more humor (although we don’t get the punch line until the next paragraph) when she states that her hair color is auburn. (The distance between the red-hair bit and the auburn bit might create confusion and people would miss the joke. Putting it in dialogue would help with that delay. See my suggestion at the end of this paragraph.) But talk about splitting hairs – that’s still a red-head. And if her hair is naturally red, she’s still technically a red-head, even if she’s dyed it another shade. So nice humor, but at the same, we’re getting a little insight into this character. Obviously, she has issues with her hair. And with people judging her based solely on it. It sounds like she may have even gone so far as to dye it in order to escape the stigma (real or perceived.) (I would possibly massage that bit just a little more, as it can be confusing. Let’s find out Justin’s hair color through a joke or something—a blond joke maybe? Why would someone so familiar with Justin suddenly think about his hair color? Let’s have a firmer reason to get his visual stats. And she says she’s not a red-head, but then notes she’s auburn after that. Many readers would think it’s the same thing and thus be confused—would miss the joke. Maybe clarify in dialogue that red and auburn aren’t the same. He could say they are, and she can argue they aren’t, having firm conviction in her dye job.)

The other character, Justin, is very likeable. He comes across as easy-going and affable.

So we’ve got interesting, likeable characters with distinct personalities and a sense of the setting. You also have a sense of some problems in the heroine’s life, although nothing seems too insurmountable. There are some good questions being generated by this opening:

Is Red lonely with her best friend gone and happily married?

Is Red frustrated because she is tired from helping with the wedding, or because she is jealous she isn’t someplace warm and sunny, or rather because she hasn’t found her own happily ever after yet?

She’s 23 and appears to be at home. Does she live there still, or is she just visiting? And who is Justin Knightly? The boy next door? He seems to have an easy familiarity with Red, so it’s possible he’s someone she’s known a long time. He’s comfortable teasing her, and while she may be annoyed at that, she also looks at him as someone she can depend on (at least to take over her chores). If readers are going to invest several hours of their time with these characters, they want them to be fun or interesting, and Red and Justin promise to be both.

A Grand Opening

A solid opening should create questions, and this one does, but questions by themselves don’t always constitute a reliable hook. Questions can arouse curiosity, and sometimes curiosity alone can do the trick. 

Take, for instance, the first line from Barbara Hambly’s The Silicon Mage: “The worst thing about knowing that Gary Fairchild had been dead for a month was seeing him every day at work.”

Or Margaret Hendry’s Quest for a Maid: “When I was nine years old, I hid under a table and heard my sister kill a king.”

Or Ingrid Law’s Savvy: “When my brother Fish turned thirteen, we moved to the deepest part of inland because of the hurricane, and of course, the fact that he’d caused it.”

Or Dean Koontz’s Relentless: “This is a thing I’ve learned: even with a gun to my head, I am capable of being convulsed with laughter. I am not sure what this extreme capacity for mirth says about me. You’ll have to decide for yourself.”

Or Brandon Sanderson’s Alcatraz vs. the Evil Librarians: “So there I was, tied to an altar made from outdated encyclopedias, about to get sacrificed to the dark powers by a cult of evil Librarians.”

In these cases, we know nothing about the main characters, not even their names, gender, or appearance, but which of us wouldn’t want to keep reading until we solve the riddle the opening sentence has created?

If you can create a zinger of a first line, one that shocks or thrills or mystifies or charms or makes the reader laugh out loud, do it. It’s practically the first commandment of writing a novel. But remember that a good hook often extends beyond the first sentence. You can make your first paragraph, first page, and entire first chapter into a hook that makes your reader crave more, compels them to hurry on to the next line and the next page without pause. To create your own reliable hook, I think we need to extend it just a little further (into something distinctly at stake for the protagonist).

We’ve Got Trouble, Right Here in River City

So, as noted above, a good way to extend the hook is to put something at stake for the main character. Given how competitive publishable, marketable storytelling is these days, your opening scene should—if at all possible—contain the inciting incident. Les Edgerton in Hooked describes this as “…the event that creates the character’s initial surface problem and introduces the first inklings of the story-worthy problem.” In short, you’ve got to introduce trouble, chaos, and mayhem into the protagonist’s world. If you don’t got trouble, you don’t got story. The sooner you can get to the crux of the trouble, the better for your story.

Depending on the genre and style of your story, the trouble can range from an asteroid on collision with the earth to a kidnapped child to being fired by the boss. But trouble comes in all shapes and sizes. A romantic comedy won’t have end-of-the-world types of trouble, but things will go wrong in the protagonist’s life, and they can still pack the emotional punch of that rogue asteroid. (If it’s finally facing being alone due to the best friend, that needs to come out more, along with clarity on how big this is for your character—as well as how Justin might exacerbate such a problem. I didn’t get a clear sense of their relationship or relationship potential or relationship-conflict potential; does she feel annoyed to see him, relieved, repressed excitement, depressed? A little more emotional intensity/complexity there will help draw us in to their potential conflict or relationship).

For this story, we don’t have enough info to confidently label the genre, although it appears to be leaning toward the lighter end of the spectrum, either rom-com or lighter romantic suspense. Introducing trouble at the right spot (the beginning) can help clear this confusion up, because the type of trouble can let the reader know what type of story to expect. Your mission is to find the best way to show that trouble in the first paragraph or page, if possible, and if not, it still must be done in the first chapter, and you need to give major hints in the first page that trouble is on its way. It may seem formulaic, but it’s the new norm for novels today, although it isn’t necessarily a new concept. Even the ancient Greek playwrights understood the importance of this concept – for instance Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex, which introduces the inciting incident in the very first scene.

Trouble = Happy Readers

So give the readers trouble, and they will be happy. Right now, Red’s only trouble seems to be that she wishes she were on the beach in Hawaii rather than snowbound in Virginia. That—and the fact that she’s been cursed with red hair.

You’ve got appealing characters, strong voice, and a nice touch of humor. Now throw some trouble into the brew, and you’ll have the start of something good.

Thank you to Rebecca, Angela, and Heidi for all their hard work.  See you next week!

Epilogue---Yes or No?

I've been going back and forth about an epilogue I've written for my manuscript.  So many times I've been told that readers don't like their stories all tied up with a happy ending and a pretty bow.  They like the main conflict resolved and that's it.  Characters learned, people were changed, the story is over.

But, for me, I like mostly happy endings and if I've loved the characters I want to know more---and that is why I like epilogues.  I like finding out what happened to characters after the main conflict is over.  For me, it's okay to find a little happiness after a life-changing event or to see how life went on.

I really like the epilogue I've written and think it ties my story together nicely.  And it gives a little more depth to the ending for my characters.  But if it's true readers don't like epilogues, maybe I've written it for the small minority of readers (like me) who like epilogues.  I just don't know.

So, tell me dear readers, do you like epilogues?  Should I include one or not?

Word Count Wednesday

Well, my word count is still way down because I'm just finishing up the last details on this book so it can go to press.  I do plan on drafting my new novel soon, though, and I'm sure my word count will pick up when that starts.  (If it goes as well as I think it will)  Maybe we can even do some more writing sprints together.

How's your writing going now with kids back in school?  I was surprised at how quickly we picked up our old routine.  I love nap times for my kids.  It really helps to have a regular block of time for writing.

I hope you had a great writing week!

Book Review: Faith, Hope, and Gravity

Merrill Osmond and Shirley Bahlmann have written a book called Faith, Hope, and Gravity.  It is the story of a young man named Liam who occasionally has "visions" of events before they happen.  He made the mistake of warning another boy his age about money going missing and such, and the boy thinks Liam has cast a spell on him or has magic or something and he begins to bully Liam.  It goes so far as to put Liam in a predicament where he is severely injured and Liam carries emotional and physical scars from that attack for years afterward that affects him in various ways.

The book takes Liam all over the world from Hawaii, to Las Vegas, to Iceland, England, France, and Italy to name a few.  In each place he meets another "visionary" or some person that offers him advice and wisdom to works through the after-effects from his injury.  I think that's what made it a little hard for me to get into the book because just as I would get comfortable with the setting and what Liam was going through, when we'd be thrown into another setting and introduced to new characters.  It made most of the book's characters seem very on the surface to me because we didn't get to know them well before we were on to the next setting.  It was sort of like a lot of adventures all in one book.  It did occur to me that perhaps it would have worked better as little vignettes from Liam's life or just concentrating on one adventure and having the rest be subsequent books so we could really get a feel for Liam.  Regardless, there is a message that ties the book together of faith carrying you through your difficulties and we all have talents to offer the world.  Liam does go through a lot in his life, and having his gift is both a blessing and a curse for him.  He has a lot of people around him to care for him and help him and that is something we all want in our life---the common dream if you will.

Here is the back copy:

 Faith, Hope and Gravity” is the spiritual, magical adventure of teenage Liam Kane as he discovers some of the same lessons Merrill Osmond learned as the world-traveling lead singer of the Osmond Brothers. Like Merrill, Liam is often misunderstood as he helps those seeking for purpose in their extraordinary talents. Liam’s visionary abilities gain him international notoriety as “The Prophecy Boy” who swims with dolphins, dreams of a mysterious red door, and champions those who are often misjudged for their uncommon gifts. Surviving kidnapping, near-drowning, and imprisonment leads to the discovery that despite differences, when people respect each other and their wide variety of abilities, the thread of commonality that runs through mankind grows ever stronger. Turn the pages to join in this unforgettable journey.

And just for your information:

You also have the option of joining Merrill and Shirley for a BOOK BOMB CELEBRATION on August 29, 2012!

When you purchase FAITH, HOPE, AND GRAVITY from Amazon.com (softcover book or ebook) on August 29th you’ll receive several free gifts, including Merrill’s new song, ebooks, training seminars, podcasts, and additional music! Plan to help spread the word because we’ll be posting a fun contest with great thank you gifts for your support.

Back Copy Reveal for All Fall Down

Well, after a long hard road, here is the back copy for my new book, All Fall Down.  What do you think?

Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes we all fall down . . .

That simple rhyme turns negotiator Claire Michaels’ current hostage situation into an international incident. Claire just wants to help get everyone out safely, but as the crisis escalates she realizes she’s dealing with an al-Qaeda operative who has the means to become another bin Laden¾with the potential to attack America.  Claire has her own personal reasons for wanting to stop al-Qaeda, but time is slipping away as negotiations break down.  Can she overcome her scars from the past in order to get the hostage out alive and possibly stop an assault on U.S. national security? 

Navy SEAL Rafe Kelly is home on leave to recover from a knee injury he suffered during his tour in Afghanistan, and he doesn’t expect to be fighting terrorists on his home turf.  But when he is taken hostage and his brother is kidnapped, Rafe teams up with a hostage negotiator in order to stay alive and get his brother back.  The terrorist is always one step ahead of them, however, and the situation quickly turns from desperate to deadly.  Will Rafe be able to save himself and his country without anyone he loves getting caught in the crossfire?  

First Page Friday---Guest Critique

So, with my vacation and school starting for my kids, I didn't realize that there were five Fridays in August. When I finally realized it and contacted Ms. Shreditor, she was on her way out of town. Not wanting to disappoint my readers, I asked Jordan McCollum to guest critique today. I hope you find it as helpful as I did! See you next week.

The Entry
Saving Grace
by Kasey Tross

I could feel them before I could actually see them. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and as my pulse quickened I forced my breath to slow. I had learned to pay attention to this feeling. I listened.

“So then, he was like, ‘This is my friend Joey,’ and I’m all, ‘I didn’t come over here to meet your friend Joey’- well, you know, I didn’t actually say that out loud- and he’s like-“ Jana paused in her narrative. “Zo, what are you doing?”

I put a hand up in front of my cousin’s face to silence her and stopped, listening. In the distance I heard a car rushing down the dark, rain-soaked street. Somewhere else in the city a siren wailed. A dog barked.

“Zoe?” Jana whispered.

“Just start walking. Quickly,” I urged her. I clutched my purse tighter under my arm and we continued walking straight ahead, quickening our pace. I knew that our car was only another block away.

The hairs on the back of my neck, however, had been telling the truth. The distinct sound of heavy footsteps rapidly approached us from behind just as a dark figure stepped out of a doorway ahead. Crap, I thought.

I had been mugged once before, but it was when I was 10, and I had been with my parents. There were two men, and I remembered the way my mother had slapped the gun out of the tall one’s hand, twisting him into a headlock, while my father had sucker-punched the other one in the face, grabbed his gun, and thrown him to the ground. I had been the one to call 9-1-1, and I remembered my parents chatting casually with me as they held the muggers at gunpoint, waiting for the police to arrive. I sighed, thinking how I wished they were here now.

Jordan's Critique

Thanks for asking me, Julie! I'm flattered. I've included a few links to more information about some of the topics I mention, when a full discussion of that particular technique doesn't really fit here.

What I like off the bat!

My two favorite lines are:

• I had learned to pay attention to this feeling.
• The hairs on the back of my neck, however, had been telling the truth.

Often a flashback in an opening is a death knell, but this one directly relates to the present story, is short enough to not bring the present story to a full stop, and raises some good questions. I like the ambiguity with the parents--who are these people? Law enforcement, military, spies? (I'm thinking of the Blues in Undercover Blues.) That's the kind of question I like hinted at early in a story. It tells us there's a lot more to this person and her past, and it's a promise I hope this book fulfills.

Things to work on

There's a good idea behind the beginning, but it's a little too vague to be effective. The first sentence leaves us wondering who "them" is, but the second sentence beings with a plural noun which almost seems to define "them." Then the reader is left trying to figure out whether "them" is "the hairs on the back of my neck." I'm assuming "them" refers to the men, but perhaps it would be a little clearer if we used something a little more concrete instead of "them," such as "the men" or "the threat."

It's clear that we're starting at a moment of change, and that's fantastic. Starting with action can be a challenge, though, because readers need to be persuaded to care about characters before they're plunged into danger, or the reader has a hard time caring about the danger. I think we can definitely get to know these characters a little bit more in this short space. (Read more on creating character sympathy.)

Be careful, too, about letting the scene we're setting seem too cliche. It's a dark and stormy night and a shadowy figure cuts them off. I would hope to see something really unexpected happen somewhere in this somewhat stock scene.

Opportunities to dig deeper

Some opportunities I see: It's very hard to judge in only 300 words, but I think we could see more of Zoe's voice, too. Her attitude, her thoughts, her perceptions, and her unique take on things can be such a great draw for readers (and publishers!). As a writer, that was my favorite part of writing my most recent manuscript in first person, and I think the voice is what drew me to my two favorite sentences.

On that note, we can also convey more about the characters, their attitudes and priorities and even physical appearance. We see that Jana and Zoe are cousins, but it would be easy to convey a little more about their relationship with simple vocabulary choices. Instead of "Jana paused in her narrative," what kind of difference does "Jana paused in her prattling" or "in her gossip" or "in retelling her misadventures" make? Those simple word choices help convey their relationship, Zoe's attitude, even her priorities (which obviously aren't Jana and her story right now), as well as lending a little more voice.

The setting could be another way to dig into her voice. We need a little more grounding a little sooner. We open with Zoe detecting a threat, and the first thing she does is try to calm herself (right?), and listen. If she looked at the same time, we'd get the setting anchors that help enhance the feeling of danger. Are they on a street or in an alley? Is there anyone else around? We get this information later, but it could have more of an impact above.

Jana's first line of dialogue fills its purpose, but I think it might be a missed opportunity. They don't have to be talking about orphans or something like that, but those lines could characterize Jana & Zoe more, help us care about them more.

Technical stuff: simultaneity and 'as'

This lesson comes from Dwight Swain in Techniques of the Selling Writer. Swain points out that reading is a linear activity. Our eyes scan across a line, and our brains process the words in order. This makes clauses that are simultaneous a subtle processing speedbump.

Three sentences use an "as" construction here. Just to use the first as an example: "The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and as my pulse quickened I forced my breath to slow."

This sentence has three responses/actions happening at the same time, but really, I think the first one or two actions are a response to the feeling she's just had, which become a stimulus for the third action (breathing). Breaking them up can also pick up the pace here: "The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. My pulse quickened. But I forced my breath to slow."

Of course, your mileage may vary on that particular example, but any device can become distracting if it's used too often.

Technical stuff: filter words

I noticed a few instances of "filter" words or "scaffolding" throughout the passage. When the narrator says, "I knew that our car was only another block away," "and I remembered the way my mother had slapped the gun . . .", "Crap, I thought," or that she's "thinking how I wished they were here now," the narrator is telling what the character thinks, sees, feels or hears.

Too many of these phrases can draw attention to that scaffolding—the words that encase the character’s thoughts—rather than the important thing, the thoughts' contents. It can actually pull sensitive readers out of the story, reminding them too much that they're watching the narrator instead of allowing the readers to live the story through the narrator.

If you establish the POV at the beginning of the scene, and continue to show your character’s thoughts throughout the scene, simple declarations and observations of the world around him don’t require you, the author, to tell us that the POV character is the one seeing/feeling/tasting, etc. Cutting back the unnecessary scaffolding lets the elegant architecture of the sights and senses of your story shine through. (You can read more about scaffolding words.)

How do you do that here? Unless the words really add a shade of meaning or show the character's thought process, the delete key is the solution for a lot of these. In the examples I cited:

• "I knew that our car was only another block away," becomes "Our car was only another block away."

• "I remembered the way my mother had slapped the gun . . ." could become "My mother slapped the gun out of the tall mugger's hand" (And we might even be able to get away with cutting the static "There were two of them"). This can also help with the perennial awkwardness of past perfect throughout the miniflashback: Zoe establishes right away that this was years ago, so there's no confusion, the biggest reason you need past perfect.

• For "thinking how I wished they were here now," the change is a little bigger. The full sentence is "I sighed, thinking how I wished they were here now." Personally, I'd break this into two sentences, the first being "I sighed." (Well, I've developed a nervous tic every time I type "sigh," so I might go for a more telling gesture there.) And the second sentence would depend heavily on the voice and the story: anything from "I wish they were here now" to "Why couldn't they be here now?"

• "Crap, I thought." The italics are already an indicator that this is a direct thought, so we don't need the "I thought." However, I'm not sure we need the italics, either. In a first-person narrative, we know everything we're seeing and hearing comes through this character's eyes. All the commentary comes directly from her mind as well, so why italicize direct thoughts? It pulls us out of her head.

Overall

I like a lot of the questions this opening raises. It's done the #1 job of making me want to know more. With just a little bit more polish, it could be a seamless read that sucks even sensitive readers in and refuses to let go.

Almost Couple vs. Couple--Which One is More Interesting to Read?

So I was having a discussion this morning about what is more interesting to read in a romantic suspense book---a couple that is working their way toward each other during dangerous circumstances and having those first stirrings of attraction/love, or a couple that is already together.

At first my response was, it depends on the story and how well-written it is, because if the plot is stupid, it doesn't matter about the couple.  But then I thought a little more about it.

There are movies like Mr. and Mrs. Smith about a married couple in the spy business, but I don't think those are the norm for a reason.  As many TV writers tell you, it is hard to write material for a couple when they're already together.  The tension leading up to a couple getting together is what sells it.  (I'm reminded of one of my favorite spy shows, Alias, and one of the things that totally sold that show was the relationship with Sydney and Vaughn.  I loved them).  I think the same may be true in books.  Who didn't love the relationship between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth?  *le sigh*

But if we go back to TV shows for a minute, in my favorite show, Castle, (only a month until the season premiere.  Eeee!) many people have been clamoring for Kate and Rick to get together for at least two years.  The writers have thrown obstacles in their path, some of them stupid, but regardless, it's taken four seasons for them to get close to taking their relationship to the next level.  Writer/producers/fans have all gone back and forth and it came down to, "we don't want the Moonlighting curse."  Meaning, of course, that old show Moonlighting with Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis which is "proof" that supposedly once a couple is together it kills the show.  (Although I think there were extenuating circumstances beyond the getting together on Moonlighting, but that's another story.)  Then the creator of Castle came out and said that he feels there's a lot of intricate stories you can tell once a couple is together. Yay!  I think so, too, but it takes more creativity and work, I think.  I hope he makes that come true for Castle this season.

Anyway, I digress.  For me, in my favorite books I love the tension with the couple, the dance and the romance while skirting terrible danger.  In my own books, I always write the couple as getting to know each other and falling in love under stressful circumstances.  In the project I'm mapping out now, though, it's the sequel to Ribbon of Darkness, and Kennedy and Ethan are already together.  This is a new experience for me and I'm wondering if I can do it justice just because dynamics are different when you have a couple that is already together vs. one that is just getting together.  It's fun and exciting and scary, too.

What do you think?  Do you find almost-couples or already couples more interesting to read about?  Who are your favorite fictional couples?