Four Incredible "J" Prizes to be Won Today!

I think I've been partying a bit too hard this week.  I had to peel myself out of bed this morning and I feel like I'm dragging along today.  So in order to perk myself up, I'm offering all the amazing "J" prizes today.  I know you're going to love them!

The first one is your choice of any one of Josi Kilpack's culinary mysteries.  If any of you follow my reviews you know that I am a huge fan of Josi's culinary mysteries.  Sadie Hofmiller is hilarious and I've loved following her on all her adventures.  This is definitely a series you don't want to miss if you are a fan of mystery.  You can read more about Josi and her mysteries, (and pick out what book you might want should you win)  here






The second prize is an ebook (your choice Kindle or Nook) of Joyce DiPastena's brand new book, Dangerous Favor.  This is one prize that I would love to win myself.  I've read her other books and really loved them.  She brings the medieval time period to life so well you feel like you are really there.  Incredible. Here's the back copy:

Her father has been accused of stealing from the king, an allegation that has reduced her family to poverty. She has one chance to find and marry a man who can help her prove her father's innocence. Lord Therri, heir to a rich barony, has the wealth and connections Mathilde needs to delve into the mysteries of her father's past. Furthermore, Therri embodies all her romantic dreams.

Etienne, the younger son of a disgraced family, has neither wealth nor connections, but is smitten with Mathilde at a glance. She finds the knight intriguing, but believes he is only out to seduce her. While she seeks for a way to win Therri's attention, Etienne tricks her into granting him her favor, an embroidered white ribbon, for a tournament, setting in motion a dangerous chain reaction of events. Can Etienne save Mathilde from a nightmare from her past and prove himself the true hero of her dreams?



The third prize is a signed personalized copy of J. Lloyd Morgan's book, The Hidden Sun.  Here is the back copy for it:

Eliana and Rinan are in love. However, she is destined to become queen of Bariwon, obligated to marry the victor of a competition called the Shoginoc, while Rinan, her royal guardian, is forbidden to marry. Normally they could renounce their titles to be together, but these are not normal times. Abrecan, the malevolent governor of Erd, is determined to win the Shoginoc, thereby placing his easily manipulated son Daimh on Bariwon’s throne. Can Eliana and Rinan find a way to be together without jeopardizing the peace they are so desperately trying to protect?

Doesn't that sound like an adventure?

The fourth prize is Julie Coulter Bellon's book Ribbon of Darkness.  It's a high stakes romantic suspense set in Indonesia.  Here's the back copy:

 A split-second decision could change the world’s darkest hour to one of triumph--but who is willing to pay the price?

Kennedy Campbell has been running away for a long time--using her position as an international journalist to escape the ghosts of her family's past. She finds some solace working in an Afghan refugee camp, until the Taliban attacks them and Kennedy is forced to flee. She is pulled into a terrorist's realm of darkness as she fights to save those around her, but will it come at the expense of her own life?

Ethan Barak leads a double life, helping MI-6 bring down arms dealers all over the world until his father is murdered by an old associate. Ethan makes his next mission a personal vendetta by tracking down the killer to Indonesia. While there, he finds himself in a position to either avenge his father or stop a terrorist attack on the Malacca Strait that will jeopardize innocent lives across the world. Can he look past his father's murder to save others?

The line between justice and mercy is blurred with each passing second, and international intrigue becomes intensely personal as the age-old struggle for redemption is brought close to home.

Not bad if I do say so myself.  :)


So there you have it.  Four great prizes from Josi, Joyce, Jason and Julie!

And here's what you can do to get an entry into this contest.  Each thing is worth one entry.

1.  Go to Wednesday's post and vote for your favorite flash fiction in the comment trail.

2.  Tell me what was the most memorable party you've ever been to and why it sticks in your memory.

3.  Tell me one thing you like about my blog.

4.  Tell me, if you could visit one time period in history, what would it be and why.

5.  If you still haven't liked me on Facebook or followed me on this blog, this is your chance to do it now!


We'll be wrapping up all the prizes tomorrow, so be sure to check back!  And since we've danced, eaten food, and thrown confetti, today I shall get the karaoke machine out.  It's not a party until we've done karaoke, right?

Flash Fiction Contest Entries--They Need Your Vote!

We have some wonderful entries and I am so excited for today.  Here's how it's going to go.

Each entry will be numbered.  Read them all, and then vote for your favorite one in the comment trail.  The one with the most votes will win their name as a minor character in my new novel, Hostage.  (In order to make it fair, I have removed the author's name and numbered them.) 

Pass the words to your friends.  I thought it might be nice to have the weekend to vote, so we will continue voting until Sunday, May 6th, at 10 p.m.  I will announce the winner on Monday.  Happy reading!

Entry #1

Happy Mother's Day

The shadow moved across the window.  Finally, the mail had come!  Kira ran to the window and watched impatiently as the thin postal carrier finished putting what looked like a large package into their small farm mailbox.  As soon as he was gone, she quickly raced to the long awaited package. 

“Ha!  Mom will never know what we ordered her for Mother’s Day!”  she thought triumphantly.  She had to let her Dad and brother know too, so they could do their part for the present.  Her mom was going to be so surprised!  The family had been low on money for some time now with her dad not having work and her mom in school.  Soon she would have a new baby brother and she knew her mom was tired.  That was why they were working so hard on a gift for her.

They had eaten nasty cereal for breakfast and snacks for weeks.  They were trying to finish off as many boxes as possible to use the tokens from the box in order to get a special present for mom, without having to spend any money!  Her poor mom kept asking why they wanted more of that cereal.  She could tell that they didn’t like it by the disgusted look on their faces as they ate and asked for more.  Now the present had finally arrived, so the boys could wrap it!

It was worth every nasty bite to see the happiness on Mom’s face when she opened her present from us on Mother’s Day.  We were able to give her a yummy breakfast in bed, and even cleaned up our mess in the kitchen!  Dad included some of her favorite roses that he’s been growing for her in his greenhouse.  She felt lucky to be a mom today!

Entry #2

High-heeled Gumshoe
 
The shadow moved across the window. Brockman came back too early. I wasn’t done searching his office yet. I slid the wooden drawer closed and quickly folded my body under the desk, listening to a key being jiggled in the door lock. Would Brockman notice it gave easier when he turned the key? If he did, then the infamous Las Vegas loan shark, and the man I suspected of murdering Gloria’s husband, would know someone had unlocked it before him—and I’d never find the evidence I needed to prove Brockman killed her husband. Worse yet, Marilyn Duran, Private Detective, would die before ever collecting a first paycheck. And I didn’t want to die.

The door opened. I pulled my knees up to my chin, tugging the lose edges of my skirt tightly around my legs, and held my breath.

“Don’t be stupid—”

That was Brockman’s voice. I recognized his irritating tenor’s lilt from when I accidentally bumped into him two days ago and lifted his keys from his coat pocket. He’d been friendly enough when he kept me from falling to the lobby floor. He had even smiled at me as he groped my waist—the creep. It hadn’t been too difficult duplicating his keys before leaving his originals on the floor for him to find later that night.

“Aw, boss, I just meant maybe we should’a used more cement on top of that guy’s body.”

“We used enough, you idiot.” Brockman slammed the door. The opaque glass rattled in the wooden frame.
“When the Flamingo is built, a hundred tons of red brick will keep that lousy accountant from ever being discovered.”

He did kill him! Now I’d just wait for them to leave. I had time.

Entry #3

 Bigfoot Heebie-Jeebies


“The shadow moved across the window,” Emma said. “I saw it!”

“What?” Hank looked up from his book, his glasses perched low on his nose.

“Something’s out there.” Emma twisted the wedding ring on her finger. She’d just caught him studying microbiology. Again.

“Ever since Uncle Jim told us about those footprints, you’ve had Bigfoot heebie-jeebies,” Hank said.

“I saw a shadow. A big shadow.”

Emma glared at Hank. Why did he have to be so stubborn? They had been married less than a week and already she was losing patience with him. Was this what she deserved for marrying a pre-med student? They were on their honeymoon after all, in a cozy, log cabin far from civilization.

“Go see what it is,” she said.

Hank shrugged into his jacket and reached for a mega-volt, five-pound flashlight.

“What good will that do?” Emma asked.

“They’re gentle giants. Bigfoot, if there is one out there, will run when I shine the light.”

Just then something hit the side of the cabin with a loud thud. Emma gasped.

“I’ll be back,” Hank said.

“Be careful.” She wished now she hadn’t told him to go.

“Lock the door behind me.” He stepped out onto the porch.

Standing at the window, Emma whispered a prayer. She watched the flashlight beam sweep through the trees until Hank disappeared behind the cabin.

Later, when he knocked on the door, it sounded like the beating of her heart.

He entered the room carrying a leafless branch. “It broke off and fell against the cabin,” he said.

Emma rushed to his arms, and they kissed as though they’d never kissed before.

“If Bigfoot ever does show up around here,” Hank said, holding her close, “I’ll thank him for saving my honeymoon.” 

Entry #4

The shadow moved across the window and I knew, without a doubt, that he had come for me. A lifetime of running had done me no good; he was always faster. I was the mouse and he was the cat, playing with me, laughing at my futile attempts to best him when all the while he could have put an end to the game.

I’ve lived a good life; loud and full of laughter and friends. I have loved and been loved, though not always at the same time. I have discovered violence in joy and joy in violence, laughter in sadness and sadness in laughter, beauty in ruin and ruin in beauty. I have witnessed unspeakable horrors and risen above them to ensure they never happen to another living being. I have studied incredible things the world has long since forgotten and realized that this loss of knowledge is to blame for so much of the bad, the violence in society today.

As the shadow creeps slowly through the slightly open window, I feel a chill travel down my spine and the hairs on the back of my arms and neck stand on end. As it crawls, agonizingly slow towards the bed I clutch the blankets closer to my chin. It is a childish gesture, foolish even, yet it gives me a comfort I have not felt since my children’s children began having children and I realized the odds were more in his favor than ever before. It gives me courage. It gives me strength.

I wait for the flash they speak of, the tunnel and light. When they do not come, I sigh and accept the inevitable truth I fought so hard against.

With eyes wide open, I draw one last shaky breath and accept his cold embrace.

Entry #5

The shadow moved across the window, a fleeting image disappearing from Caroline's sight. Tears streaked her cheeks as Derek, her first and only love, faded into the growing darkness. She lamented his sudden exit and what she'd done to cause it. Their argument reached a fever pitch when she accused him of romancing Rachel, her best friend. Derek denied all accusations vehemently, but Caroline would hear none of it. She yelled for him to never come back, but her heart yearned for his return. He could be forgiven.

Caroline looked in the oval mirror hanging in her foyer. Her eyes were bloodshot and her nose running. Reaching for a Kleenex she dabbed at her eyes and swiped at her nose. Some improvement, but she still felt lousy. She couldn't think of anything except Derek. Why did she love him so much? He was such a womanizer. He always feigned innocence, but she knew the signs. His straying eyes, the easy way he laughed when Rachel joked with him. Caroline could not, she would not, dismiss such things so easily. But she did love him ... and, she reasoned, he could be forgiven.

Minutes later Caroline began to formulate a plan, in her mind at least, for Derek's return. Caroline, in an attempt to console herself, confessed her feelings were triggered by her jealousy. Admitting this was key to making any plan involving Derek work. She should call him and tell him she was mistaken and sorry for her tantrum and mistrust. But Derek wouldn't believe her and, to boot, he'd think she was a fool. Her plan must show him her love without compromising her dignity. What could she do? She decided Derek must somehow be made to feel guilty, even if he wasn't. She had to forgive him.

Entry #6

 The Blind Date

The shadow moved across the window.  Melinda looked up from her computer monitor.  There was no one there. She glanced down the short aisle of carrels and saw no one.

Of course not, she thought. It’s nine o’clock on a Friday night. Why would there be anyone studying in the library? Anyone but me.

Depressed at this thought, she gathered up her things and left. She decided to go to Dipper’s to get a little frozen treat to improve her mood. She smiled a little to herself as she approached the diner.

She lost her smile when she reached the front window. It was so crowded. Inside, people were talking, smiling, and laughing. It seemed like it was only couples and groups. Melinda felt very alone and sad and couldn’t go in. She was about to turn away and head home when she noticed someone looking at her.

A young man was gazing at her with a slight smile on his face. Melinda felt like she was looking at time-lapse photography, where the guy was the only stationary object in a sea of headlights. Those lights were pointed straight at her, unblinking. Almost unbidden, a slow smile spread across her face.

Maybe tonight will turn out better than I thought.

She raised a hand and gave a friendly wave, but he didn’t react. She turned quickly behind her , once again, as a flush blossomed in her cheeks. No one but her. She turned back and gave another, more obvious greeting, growing concerned that she was being mocked.

Oh.

She finally noticed the walking stick with the red tip in his hand. No wonder he doesn’t see me. He’s not seeing anyone.

She let out a long sigh and turned to leave.

Entry #7

A shadow moved across the window.
With a squeak of alarm, Teri spun around.
 Nothing.
Had she imagined it?
 Softly, she backed toward the door, keeping her eyes on that narrow, dirty piece of glass.
A thump.

Outside, against the wall of the cabin.
Teri froze. 
She hadn’t imagined that. 
Scenarios spun through her tired mind. Each more lurid than the last. 
And each culminating in her eventual death. 
What to do? What to do?

She brushed back short, sweat-soaked blonde hair and tried to think.
A trickle of sweat inched its way down her spine, making her shiver. 
Green eyes darted quickly about, seeking something - anything – that might help. 
Nothing. 
The room was echoingly, depressingly empty. 
Nothing but three decades of volcanic dust.
Dust! 
Bending, Teri scraped quickly at the uneven floorboards, finally gathering a handful of the gritty stuff.
As she straightened, she felt the floorboard beneath her left foot . . . move.
Behind her!
 Without turning, she threw her precious handful of dust over her shoulder.
 “What the . . .!” a deep voice bellowed. Someone began coughing.
A hand brushed her arm as she spun about.
Blindly, she thrust with her shoulder as she picked up speed.
She felt a thin feathering of satisfaction as her body connected solidly with something warm.
Furry.
The cabin shook as her victim collapsed to the floor.
She had bought seconds.
Gasping now with terror, she leaped frantically, almost screaming aloud as something brushed her foot.
Then she was through the door.
Behind her, she dimly registered the sounds of a struggle, but she had the front door in sight.
A backward glance would only cost precious moments.
She sprinted down the short hall.
Then skidded to a halt, midway, as the door swung open.

Entry #8

Blushing

The shadow moved across the window. She stood there in the doorway, framed in the hall light like a halo, a beatific smile on her lips.

I strode quickly to her and cradled the back of her head with my right hand. I gazed deep into those blue eyes and grinned. I tilted my head and leaned in close, our lips almost touching and breathed out a sigh of contentment. Then our lips met and I felt a pulse arc through my body like electricity. I pressed her to me with my left hand at her lower back and drank in the floral scent of her.

After a while, I disengaged and pulled back for a moment, tears forming in my eyes. She blinked slowly, lips still parted and moved closer. She put both hands around my neck and gently pulled my head down as she breathed into my ear, “Kiss me again.”

I complied by bringing my face to her neck and planted a hot, moist one at the base. No biting – I didn’t want a blemish on her perfect skin – as I slowly moved up to her chin, her cheek, and then to her earlobe. It was my turn to whisper.

“As you wish, my love,” I said to my bride of less than four hours. I bent and picked her up and carried her down the hall and into the bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me.

It’s going to be a long night, I said to myself with a smile. And I am going to enjoy it forever!

Entry #9

The shadow moved across the window. To get to the other side.

Four Ebooks Up For Grabs & A Bit of Castle/Hawaii 5-0

Man, what a great start we had to the party last night.  Not to mention an INCREDIBLE preview for Castle next week.  (Can you believe it's the season finale next week?  I'm so sad.)  The zombie ep was not what I was expecting and, as usual, Castle was hilarious.  (Didn't you love the end?)  Hawaii Five-O wasn't too shabby either, but I had no clue who the NCIS people were and felt like I was missing something.


I also wanted to remind you that today (by 10 p.m.) is the last day to enter the contest for having a character named after you.  If you are interested you must write a 300 word piece with the beginning words, "A shadow moved across the window."  Email it to me at juliecoulterbellon@gmail.com and we will be posting them tomorrow for votes.  Winner gets the prize!


Anyway, with that sort of party beginning, I don't think it's going to be hard to keep up the fun.  Today's prizes are FOUR EBOOKS from a variety of genres including suspense, romance, sci-fi and non-fiction.  Something for almost everyone!


The first one is Cami Checkett's new book Dead Running. Here is the back copy:


Cassidy Christensen is running.
Running from the mercenaries who killed her parents.
Running from a scheming redhead intent on making her life miserable.
Running from painful memories that sabotage her dreams of happiness.
With two very tempting men competing for her attention, she hopes she’ll finally have someone to run to, but can she trust either of them? When secrets from her past threaten her family, Cassidy decides to stop running and fight for her future.

To celebrate the release of Dead Running (it just barely came out) Cami is coordinating a huge fitness giveaway. Prizes include watches from MIO Global, three months personal training from Fitcore Fitness, Beginner and Advanced yoga packages from Hugger Mugger, running shoes from Altra Zero Drop, and much more - click here to enter if you're interested.





The second one is Susan Denney's book Sweet and Snarky.  Here is the back copy:


Lee Landry is a French teacher at the only high school in tiny San Pablo, Texas. She has a condo, a small car, and an even smaller retirement fund. She isn't married but has a crush on a fellow teacher who has never gotten around to asking her out. 

Her identical twin, Lurlette, is married to multibillionaire Horatio Alger Chang. She lives in a mansion in San José, California. The diamond in her engagement ring is the Maharani Red, one of the largest red diamonds in the world with a price tag of 2.3 million dollars. When Lurlette realizes her marriage is over, she decides to move in with her sister Lee. And even though Lurlette brings jewelry, clothes and a Cézanne still life with her, she doesn't have any cash.

Lee is exasperated. She has never understood why she and Lurlette don't get along. Now that Lurlette is back, Lee knows her quiet life will be disrupted and that her bank account will suffer. What she doesn't know is that her love life, her career, and her future will be forever changed. 

Sounds fun, right?!




The third one is Angie Lofthouse's brand new book sci-fi adventure Defenders of the Covenant.  Here's the back copy:

Hannah and her friends have been warned about the danger lurking outside of their secret refuge from the alien invaders who devastated the Earth years before. Their leaders have raised them in the Latter-day Saint faith, teaching them to trust God, but when McKenzie and her rebellious boyfriend, Jeremy, decide to run away, Hannah and Derek follow, determined to bring their friends home.

Once outside, the four teens soon realize they cannot return to the refuge without endangering everyone there. Captured, enslaved, and separated, Hannah, Derek, and McKenzie each learn the unique role they must play in liberating the Earth. The friends must battle with android soldiers and attack vessels, and face their own inner struggles to overcome the invaders. After all, not even an alien invasion can stop the work of God.

And the fourth one is your choice of book from Trina Boice! Trina is a prolific non-fiction self-help writer on a variety of subjects.  You can go here to see the books you have to choose from.  And just so you can get a sense of what kind of person she is, here's the top of her blog:

Come rest your weary mouse-clicking finger for awhile!

Sit back and relax.   Close your eyes.

Wait!    On second thought, keep your eyes open!

Imagine you are sitting on the beach with best-selling author, Trina Boice.  What books would you two talk about while you watched the waves roll in and out?

What refreshing snack would you share while you wiggled your feet in the sand?

Well OK, you don't have time to head to the beach right now because you've got a million other web sites to check out....

Here are some of the things you can do right now...(on her website)




Sounds fun, doesn't she?




All right, so there are the prizes for today.  And here's what you have to do to get entries:  Each thing is worth one entry.


1.  Sign up for my newsletter in the sidebar.  It's quarterly and you get sneak peeks of my work and fun little insights into writing.  Come on, you know you want to!


2.  Tweet or Facebook today's contest.


3.  Tell me what you prefer--Kindle, Nook, or paper--- and why.


4.  Become a follower of Debra Erfert's blog by clicking here


5.  If you aren't already a follower of my blog, become one!

6.  In honor of my two favorite shows, Castle and Hawaii Five-O, where would you rather vacation--New York or Hawaii?

7.  If you have already entered the Character Contest, then you will get an entry for these prizes.  If you haven't, then hurry and you'll get an entry for ebooks!

8.  If you haven't liked me on Facebook yet, hurry and start liking me!  :)



And since we did confetti and dancing yesterday, I think we're ready for some refreshments today, don't you?  Break out the dessert bar for cakes, pies, cheesecake, ice cream, and cookies.  Of course there's some yummy sparkling drinks as well.  :) Are you with me?

It's A Party! Put On Your Dancing Shoes & Collect Your Prizes!

Woohoo!  The party day has finally arrived and it's going to be fun because it's a huge thank you to all my readers who have made this blog something I look forward to every day.  As Ren McCormick said with much wisdom in his voice as the confetti rained down, "Let's dance!"

Oh, wait.  We have some awesome prizes for you. (You can read this and dance at the same time if you want.  I know I am.)   (Also, I was trying to use Rafflecopter for this, but I'm technically inept, so we're going to do this the old-fashioned way) (and use the honor system.)

Today's theme is Mystery and Suspense and all our prizes are very suspenseful.  And whether you win or not is still a mystery!  (I laughed at that.  Sad, I know, but I haven't gotten much sleep lately, so bear with me.)  Get your party hats out (or dancing shoes on) and I will, too.  *throws confetti* *pulls up my collar*

First of all, thank you to all who have already entered the contest for having a character in my new novel named after you!  I'm so excited to put everyone's entries up for a vote.  I will accept entries until Tuesday at 10 p.m. MST and then we'll vote on them Wednesday and Thursday and announce the winner on Friday.  Sound good?  Here's the details in case you missed it.

Write a 300 word piece that starts with the words, "The shadow moved across the window."  It can be any genre, but must start with those words.  Email your entry to juliecoulterbellon@gmail.com with Character Contest in the subject line.  I will be putting the entries on the blog so everyone can vote and the ones with the most votes wins!  It's going to be fun!  This is the first prize and frankly, one I'm very excited about!




The second prize is from the Queen of Mystery herself, Stephanie Black. (Doesn't she look so sweet and innocent in that picture?)  She is a multi-award winning author and has some of the curl your toes creepy kind of mysteries that I almost never read after dark.  She has a blog here and today, you can win one of her books.  She'll even autograph it for you.  (In a creepy way I'm sure.)  I've reviewed some of her books in the past and I can't wait for her new ones.  In that, "I know I shouldn't but I totally do" sort of way.  (Love you, Steph!)







The third prize offered today is Caller ID by Rachelle Christensen.  Another award winning suspense author.  If you haven't read this book, it's one for your keeper shelf.  And if you don't know the author, well, she likes a party---especially the ones I throw.  Right Rachelle?  Here's her blog so you can get to know her better and read some of her stuff!









The fourth prize is Variant by Robison Wells.  I used to blog with Robison and Stephanie over at the SixLDSWriters and a Frog blog and they are the ones that kept up laughing, but they're also the ones who have since written some very . . . well, sort of edgy in a creepy way . . . awesome books.  Rob's book has done very well, and while I haven't read it myself, I have heard a ton of rave reviews about it.  (I'm a bit of a chicken.  I'm going to get up the guts to read it one of these days, I promise!)





So there you have it.  The party has started!!  Woohoo!  *turns the music up loud*  Who's with me?  Who wants some prizes?

If you do, here's the deal.  Each one of these things is worth one entry to win the books offered today.  Tell me in the comment trail which ones you did (or answer the questions correctly) and I will put your entries in.  Simple!

!.  Be a follower of my blog (if you are already, then that doesn't count.  Sorry!)

2.  Be a follower of Stephanie's blog

3.  Like my author page on Facebook

4.  Follow me on Twitter (@juliebellon) and/or Tweet this contest

5.  Tell me whether Stephanie thinks store bought ice cream tastes better or homemade.

6.  Be a follower of Rachelle's blog

7.  Tell me the name of Robison Wells' first published book.

8.  Post this contest on Facebook or Google +


I will announce all the winners on Friday and there will be four more prizes every day this week!  It sounds too good to be true, but I know it's going to be an amazing week.  Thank you to everyone who participates and reads my blog.  This is more a celebration of how wonderful you make my life and I hope you know it.

First Page Friday

Okay, for those of you entering the contest on Monday to have a minor character in a book named after you, here is something to think about over the weekend.

The contest for that prize will be a Writing Challenge.  Here are the parameters, so you can put your thinking caps on:

Write in 300 words or less, excluding the title, a post that begins with the words, "The shadow moved across the window."  It can be any genre you choose, suspense, humorous, historical, romance, whatever.  Just as long as those six words appear in the beginning.  Then I'm going to have you submit it to juliecoulterbellon@gmail.com with Character Contest in the subject line and I will post each entry on my blog so people can vote for the winner.  It's going to be fun!  So start your writing engines.  :)  


And pass the word along to any of your friends.  The contest is open to anyone.

Okay, on to First Page Friday!

The Entry

Untitled

by Dennis Bergendorf

1137 College Ave., Elyria, Ohio.

A Tuesday in mid-May in the near future.

5:55 AM EDT, 0955 Zulu.

For nearly as long as he could remember, Antwan Ware had wanted nothing other than to be an air traffic controller, and for the past 14½ years, he had been just that, a professional pusher of tin, a choreographer of ballets danced in the stratosphere. But for Antwan, air traffic control long ago ceased to be ballet, and has become Dance Macabre. Some call ATC the world’s greatest video game—and perhaps its second-greatest profession. To Antwan Ware, it is slow death.  

14-and-one- half- years. 166 months of dealing with (by his own reckoning) everything aviation could throw at him—though he does allow that he’s never been involved with, nor seen, a mid-air collision. The truth is (and perhaps this is the crux of the problem), aviation had started throwing things when he’d been on the job a mere six weeks, a developmental, a newbie, a pup so green he had to think about how to get to the tower elevator.

  

Just in from the FAA Academy, having settled into on-the-job training at his first certified position (ground controller at Cleveland-Hopkins International Airport), Antwan Ware was on duty the night an airplane crashed and burned. And two pilots died.

That incident, that deal, came about like so many others—in a perfect storm of circumstance. CHI was in the grip of a major meteorological event on a wretched early evening shortly after New Year’s. The air at ground level was 31°, but warmer aloft. And it was raining. Not particularly hard, but a steady drizzle that flash froze and stuck to everything. Light poles, hangar buildings, fuel trucks, even a few parked airplanes reflected light with a sparkling luminosity, as though they’d been turned upside down and dipped

in silver.

Angela Eschler's (and her assistant Heidi's) Comments

Kids, Dogs, Airplanes

The old saying is that any story/film with a kid or a dog in it is bound to be a success. A lot of people would add airplanes to that list. Whether it’s humorous and spoofy (Airplane!) or deadly serious (Michael Crichton’s Airframe), the field of aviation provides endless opportunities for great storytelling. This story promises to be a gripping adventure with solid research and a unique protagonist.  You’ve clued the readers in with little details like using Zulu time (in reference to aviation’s term for Greenwich Mean Time/Universal Coordinated Time) and other aviation terminology, as well as your main character’s interesting name and unusual choice of career (not the first thing that pops into most kid’s minds when asked what they want to be when they grow up.)  So let’s look at some additional ways you can strengthen your first page to make sure that your readers can’t put the story down once they’ve started.

Right off the Bat

The opening sentence is bound to confuse the reader. “As long as he could remember” tends to include the present. The 2^nd sentence and later info tells us that he hates his job. Perhaps instead, try something more specific like, “Antwan’s dream since childhood/grade school/college had been to be an air traffic controller.” Given your skill with words elsewhere, obviously you want the opening line to be more interesting than that anyway. Perhaps something more like “For over fourteen years, Antwan Ware had been living his childhood dream—daily clocking in as a professional pusher of tin, a choreographer of ballets danced in the stratosphere. But for Antwan, air traffic control had long ago ceased to be …” Starting right out with the interesting language and imagery of your second sentence—which will make the reader curious to find out what you mean—might be a better choice all around. 

I ran this paragraph by another reader/writer, because I thought it could possibly be even more succinct in creating a question for the audience (the set-up for the tension is a little too slow), and he agreed that an even briefer version would be more gripping. Something along the lines of: “Antwan Ware had once thought being in air traffic control was akin to choreographing ballets danced in the stratosphere. But that romanticized view had ceased long ago, and the job was more Dance Macabre than anything.” This immediately introduces a tension and a question for the reader.  They want to know what happened to change his viewpoint.

From Fuzzy to Focused

Also, I think it might be overkill to share both metaphors in the opening paragraph—the video-game one and the dance one. Pick one and introduce it right away.  If you choose the video-game option, you might want to clarify a bit. Why is it the 2^nd greatest profession? And what is the implication regarding the greatest profession?  What is it, and why is ATC 2^nd? This is unclear and draws attention to the language/rhetoric problem rather than the tension of the story.

Another area that sends mixed messages is this passage: “The truth is (and perhaps this is the crux of the problem), aviation had started throwing things when he had been on the job a mere six weeks.” The crux is that problems had started early on? Not the type of problems? So if problems had started later in his career he’d think totally differently? Do you mean having a traumatizing experience right off soured him too fast? This needs a little clarity.

Finally, if there’s an important connection between the crash Antwan witnessed early in his career and the troubles that you plan to throw at him, this is the place you want to bring that up. Let the reader in on what role that plays in the main plot problem. Otherwise, if it is just to show things that contributed to his personal development and his current frame of mind, consider pushing it back at least a few pages, so you can save the vital first page for setting up the story-worthy problem,  something currently at stake, and the hook.

Too Many Words

Mozart was once told by Emperor Joseph that one of his pieces had “too many notes.” Although Mozart didn’t need to cut anything from his compositions, just about every writer could actually benefit from this advice. You do have some nice, complex, interesting writing, but due to your style, I think you also tend to overwrite. For instance, “Newbie, developmental, pup”—just pick one. The tendency to bring in metaphor, imagery, or interesting syntax (sentence structure) can also result in confusion for the reader, or the writer being redundant and thus boring the reader. Focus on information—are you sharing the same information with the reader in multiple ways/multiple times?  More literary writing is interesting and most powerful if it complements the story—not overpowers it. It should not draw more attention to itself than it contributes to immersing the reader in the story.  For instance, right after the "pup, newbie" line, we're told Antwan was just in from the academy, first job, etc. That information is superfluous to the line above, though more specific. If you'd just used one adjective to describe him—the bit about the tower elevator is nice—then the details on his first-time job won't feel so repetitive.

Sidelined by Details

Details can add interest and make a story come to life, but the first focus needs to be on the character, not the setting. Do keep some setting details. They give the reader important information to help them navigate the new world they are entering (in this case, the profession of air traffic controller), but in the opening, be judicious in assigning them. Place them for maximum impact. You want to get the most mileage from the fewest words, because your goal is to hook your reader, agent, or editor within the first page (the first paragraph is even better). Some of that real estate has to be used for painting a brief, fascinating picture of your main character and laying the groundwork for trouble.  After you’ve captured your audience, then you can be more generous with details relating to the industry. After all, you have other pages to fill, so don’t use all your eggs on the first page and leave nothing for later on. (Also, you note Zulu time in the opening, but some readers won’t understand that and won’t want to put your book down to go look it up—and you don’t want them to put your book down—so find a subtle and short way to sneak in the layman’s definition of Zulu time somewhere on the first page if you want to use it as the key setting signifier.)

Nothing but Trouble

As Les Edgerton says in his writing book Hooked, “It’s imperative that you understood what stories always have to be about. One thing and one thing only. Trouble.” While the first page won’t be enough space to dive into the story-worthy problem, you want to at least clue the reader in on the inciting incident—the (often) little trouble that’s going to lead the protagonist to the big trouble at the heart of the story. Right now, we have past troubles in the form of Antwan’s growing disillusionment with his career choice, based in part on traumatic experiences in the past. But that isn’t the problem that gets the ball rolling. It provides motivation for why Antwan reacts to circumstances that come his way. But without an inciting incident, there’s no reason for Antwan to act at all. So whatever spark you choose to fire the plot’s engine, let it take center stage.

Summing it Up

This beginning is interesting overall in terms of delving into the mysteries of a romanticized profession, and the writing style is unique and the voice is fresh. But get to the tension a little sooner and cut out any redundancy. Also, if you can hint at something currently at stake for the character, such would be good, as that would keep the reader’s attention through descriptions they might not be immediately interested in.  You hint at a tension for the character, but if you can develop that into something at stake, the opening would be even more compelling.

Thank you so much to everyone who participates each week.  It is much appreciated!  See you next week.

I'm So Excited For Next Week's Birthday Party!

I'm so excited (now I have that song running through my head) to tell you about the blog's birthday party next week.  It is going to be so fun and I've decided to run it all week long.  I mean, who doesn't want to party all week long, right?

Here is a preview of some of the incredible prizes.  We have autographed books from Stephanie Black, Josi Kilpack, Rachelle Christensen, Fay Klingler, Monique Bucheger, Susan Denny, Shirley Bahlmann, and Jason Morgan.  We also have Robison Wells' book, Variant, some of my books, and ebooks by Joyce DiPastena, Cami Checketts, Angie Lofthouse, and Trina Boice.  But there's more!  We have a book lovers' basket, two critiques by great editors AND naming of a minor character in an awesome author's new book. 

Can you believe it?  There are some amazing prizes there (I want to enter myself!) and I am thrilled for all my readers (and appreciative of all my author friends.)

So, this is how it's going to work.  Each day will have four prizes offered and some fun ways to win.  We're also going to do some writing on Monday for everyone who wants the prize of having a minor character named after you.  I really can't wait.

I hope you'll come to my party and tell your friends to come as well.  I think it's going to be incredibly fun! 

Word Count Wednesday

Well, I had critique group last night, so you know what that means.  I rolled into bed at 1 a.m. because we didn't end until after midnight.  But I have to say it was totally worth it.  We laughed so hard, ate yummy frozen yogurt, and then we got down to business.  And, even though it was tempting to just go over our comments and reviews for time's sake, we went ahead and read the chapters out loud.  Honestly, I think that is the best way to critique because we find more errors in grammar and syntax by reading aloud than any other way.  And plus, it's sort of fun to hear our interpretation of accents and teenage sarcasm.  What do you think about reading your manuscripts aloud?  I'd never really done it consistently until I got into this critique group and I have to say I'm sold on it. 

I think another reason I love this critique group (besides the company) is that I feel so motivated to write the next day (or later in the same day as the case may be).  So I'm writing up a storm today and it feels good. 

I finished some major revisions last week and I'm feeling really good about where this manuscript is.  My word count was just under 2000, but considering I was revising and not really writing, I'm pretty proud of that.

How did you do this week?