Generally when people find out I’m an author, they like to talk about books. Inevitably I will ask them who their favorite authors are and lately, the response seems to be, “Oh, I don’t have time to read.”
It always surprises me a little when people say this. Maybe it’s because reading is such a needed part of my life. For me, with eight children, teaching, writing, blogging, my service commitments in my church, and everything else that comes with being me, I really have to take those fifteen minutes each night to just lose myself in a book. It rejuvenates and refreshes me in a way I can’t really describe. Reading is my time.
I also like that most of my children like to read. I love reading stories to them and making up stories for them. Some of our greatest memories have been when we’re all lying in the dark and I’m making up stories of princesses with magical powers and eagles that can take human forms to fight the dragons. And oddly, all these brave eagles and princesses have my children’s names.
I’ve even learned a lot just from reading. The books I read are often set in foreign countries or historical settings and I know I’ve picked up a lot more than I realize.
With all of that said, I know it’s hard to find the time to squeeze reading in when you are a busy person. In my home growing up, there were always books in the bathroom. I thought that was the grossest thing ever, until I became a mom myself and realized that sometimes, being in the bathroom is the only alone time you get! (And sometimes not even then!) But I do carry my Kindle in the car with me while waiting for carpools and appointments, so I can usually get in at least a bit of reading time each day. Mostly, though, the best time for me is right before bed, when the house is quiet and everyone is asleep.
Yet, even with my head knowing that it’s good to read to set examples for children and to learn new things so I should make time for it, my primary motivation is always my heart. I love reading and as a busy mom I love being able to have that small amount of time that is all mine, that transports me and rejuvenates me and gives me a little reassurance that it’s okay for me to take a small stop on my journey to smell the flowers and do something for myself.
How do you find time to read? And is reading important in your life?
I'm an award-winning romantic suspense novelist, but in my free time I love to review books and my fave TV shows, as well as pass along great book deals, and eat Canadian chocolate---not necessarily in that order.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
First Page Friday
For some reason I have hiccups today and it makes it weird to type and hiccup. Anyway, let's get right to Ms. Shreditor's critique today. This is a good one!
The Entry
THERESA MANNING
by Mario Almonte
Severe winter storm warnings closed businesses early in Manhattan and left the city to the occasional, lost traveler. An ambulance navigated the empty streets, and inside that ambulance I sat and watched Theresa. She rested on a stretcher and I held her hand, but I do not believe she knew that I was there. She was adrift in her private world of pain, confused and startled by the shadows that floated above her.
Theresa shuddered, and while a paramedic pushed a needle through her bruised flesh, a second one felt her bloated stomach and remarked that the baby’s heartbeat still sounded strong and steady deep inside. Theresa didn’t hear that. She was gritting her teeth and fighting the pain inside her.
I tried to hold her attention, hoping that my moral support could ease her suffering. Yet, I was wondering how much my presence really meant to her – until tonight, I had not seen her in more than half a year. I was wondering whether she had called me, as she crawled in agony on the floor of her apartment, her clothes steeped in blood where a metal rod had whipped across her stomach repeatedly – whether she had called me because she remembered me as the only true friend she had ever known in life, or because she knew it would obligate me to care for her and her unborn child. She knew I would do everything and go through every possible inconvenience to save them.
The rhythmic throbbing of police lights bathed the faces of the paramedics. It reminded me that we were being followed to the hospital; that other people also had questions about Theresa, and soon they too would demand their own answers.
Ms. Shreditor’s Comments
This is an intriguing first page for me because it hits close to home—literally close to home. I live quite close to Manhattan, and one of my best friends currently lives on the Upper East Side. The first two sentences offer up a fairly realistic depiction of the city during a blizzard, but I would think that the snowstorm would have to be already in full swing (i.e., with significant accumulation on the ground) for the streets of Manhattan to be empty. Moreover, if businesses had just closed early because of storm warnings, wouldn’t there be a flood of foot traffic to the subways and train stations, not to mention a steady flow of cabs? It would also take a pretty monumental snow accumulation forecast (like the freak October snowstorm that recently pummeled the northeast) to close Manhattan businesses before the white stuff actually started to accumulate. Lastly, I would imagine that plows would be out in full force if the snow had already started.
While we’re pondering the depiction of Manhattan here, let’s consider the opening lines. They’re descriptive, but I don’t think they pack quite the punch that an opening sentence should. Perhaps reorganize the paragraph to make a stronger first impression, because there is plenty of material in this sample that could make for a compelling hook.
There is something lyrical about certain turns of phrase in this piece. Take, for instance, the second sentence: “An ambulance navigated the empty streets, and inside that ambulance I sat and watched Theresa.” It's haunting. It manages to be poignant with very sparse language, and this should serve as a reminder to writers everywhere that you don’t have to manipulate the reader by piling on adjectives and flowery turns of phrase to pack a punch.
What I found particularly striking about this excerpt was the absence of sound imagery. This, paired with the emptiness of the city streets, lends a certain somberness to the introductory paragraphs. Strangely, I assumed that this took place at night (perhaps because this first page paints such a dark scene); then, of course, I realized that if businesses had just closed early for the day, it must still be daytime.
The story establishes some potentially meaty back-story between the narrator and Theresa. They’ve been estranged for six months, but the unnamed narrator is still willing to rush to her aid—and not without a certain amount of resentment, as suggested by his/her use of the word “obligation.” This brings up another point: I have no idea whether the narrator is male or female. Some kind of cue to the reader would help establish a character who is, at the moment, a blank slate. Why does this story unfold from his/her point of view and not Theresa’s? Remember that perspective is important, and consider whether or not the right character is telling this story.
So there are some perspective questions that you’ll want to consider. The narrator’s role must be defined early on. There must be something monumental at stake for him/her to justify making Theresa secondary during her moment of crisis. But the writing is good. Really good. It’s dark, haunting, and at times chilling. There are some minor syntax issues (e.g., the semicolon in the last sentence that splits an independent and dependent clause), but nothing egregious. It's off to a great start.
Thanks so much to Mario and Ms. Shreditor. I really enjoyed this one! See you next week!
The Entry
THERESA MANNING
by Mario Almonte
Severe winter storm warnings closed businesses early in Manhattan and left the city to the occasional, lost traveler. An ambulance navigated the empty streets, and inside that ambulance I sat and watched Theresa. She rested on a stretcher and I held her hand, but I do not believe she knew that I was there. She was adrift in her private world of pain, confused and startled by the shadows that floated above her.
Theresa shuddered, and while a paramedic pushed a needle through her bruised flesh, a second one felt her bloated stomach and remarked that the baby’s heartbeat still sounded strong and steady deep inside. Theresa didn’t hear that. She was gritting her teeth and fighting the pain inside her.
I tried to hold her attention, hoping that my moral support could ease her suffering. Yet, I was wondering how much my presence really meant to her – until tonight, I had not seen her in more than half a year. I was wondering whether she had called me, as she crawled in agony on the floor of her apartment, her clothes steeped in blood where a metal rod had whipped across her stomach repeatedly – whether she had called me because she remembered me as the only true friend she had ever known in life, or because she knew it would obligate me to care for her and her unborn child. She knew I would do everything and go through every possible inconvenience to save them.
The rhythmic throbbing of police lights bathed the faces of the paramedics. It reminded me that we were being followed to the hospital; that other people also had questions about Theresa, and soon they too would demand their own answers.
Ms. Shreditor’s Comments
This is an intriguing first page for me because it hits close to home—literally close to home. I live quite close to Manhattan, and one of my best friends currently lives on the Upper East Side. The first two sentences offer up a fairly realistic depiction of the city during a blizzard, but I would think that the snowstorm would have to be already in full swing (i.e., with significant accumulation on the ground) for the streets of Manhattan to be empty. Moreover, if businesses had just closed early because of storm warnings, wouldn’t there be a flood of foot traffic to the subways and train stations, not to mention a steady flow of cabs? It would also take a pretty monumental snow accumulation forecast (like the freak October snowstorm that recently pummeled the northeast) to close Manhattan businesses before the white stuff actually started to accumulate. Lastly, I would imagine that plows would be out in full force if the snow had already started.
While we’re pondering the depiction of Manhattan here, let’s consider the opening lines. They’re descriptive, but I don’t think they pack quite the punch that an opening sentence should. Perhaps reorganize the paragraph to make a stronger first impression, because there is plenty of material in this sample that could make for a compelling hook.
There is something lyrical about certain turns of phrase in this piece. Take, for instance, the second sentence: “An ambulance navigated the empty streets, and inside that ambulance I sat and watched Theresa.” It's haunting. It manages to be poignant with very sparse language, and this should serve as a reminder to writers everywhere that you don’t have to manipulate the reader by piling on adjectives and flowery turns of phrase to pack a punch.
What I found particularly striking about this excerpt was the absence of sound imagery. This, paired with the emptiness of the city streets, lends a certain somberness to the introductory paragraphs. Strangely, I assumed that this took place at night (perhaps because this first page paints such a dark scene); then, of course, I realized that if businesses had just closed early for the day, it must still be daytime.
The story establishes some potentially meaty back-story between the narrator and Theresa. They’ve been estranged for six months, but the unnamed narrator is still willing to rush to her aid—and not without a certain amount of resentment, as suggested by his/her use of the word “obligation.” This brings up another point: I have no idea whether the narrator is male or female. Some kind of cue to the reader would help establish a character who is, at the moment, a blank slate. Why does this story unfold from his/her point of view and not Theresa’s? Remember that perspective is important, and consider whether or not the right character is telling this story.
So there are some perspective questions that you’ll want to consider. The narrator’s role must be defined early on. There must be something monumental at stake for him/her to justify making Theresa secondary during her moment of crisis. But the writing is good. Really good. It’s dark, haunting, and at times chilling. There are some minor syntax issues (e.g., the semicolon in the last sentence that splits an independent and dependent clause), but nothing egregious. It's off to a great start.
Thanks so much to Mario and Ms. Shreditor. I really enjoyed this one! See you next week!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Looking Outside the Box And a Book Review: Hope's Journey
As a writer, I’ve been asked to do some pretty great things like be a beta reader, edit something awesome, teach a class on writing, make up kids’ stories, that sort of thing. But I have to say one of the most awesome things I’ve been asked to do recently has been writing songs for a road show. It isn’t something you would necessarily think a writer would be asked to do, but I’m having so much fun doing it. It’s definitely out of the box for me. So, today, instead of giving you a writing tip for Writing Tip Thursday, I’m going to tell you two things.
1. Step out of the box and do something weird sometimes. It will make great material for a book someday.
2. Read a book you might not normally read.
For my number two, I want to tell you about a book I’ve been reading called Hope’s Journey by Stephanie Worlton. This book explores the ins and outs of teenage pregnancy and how it affects the teenage couple involved.
We are introduced to Sydney Steele, a girl who has it all---tons of friends, good looks, and lots of scholarships to consider as soon as high school ends. Until the day she finds out she’s pregnant. Then everything changes.
Her boyfriend, Alex Hastings, is a tall handsome boy with just as much going for him. He’s planning to serve a mission for the LDS church, planning to go to college, and planning for a future. A future that changes with two lines on a pregnancy test.
I thought the author did a great job in describing the roller-coaster of emotions that follows an unplanned pregnancy announcement---both for the couple and for their families. I liked the back and forth between the two points of view and how different they each saw the same events. I also liked the visual of how many weeks Sydney was into her pregnancy and how it sort of corresponded with the changes she was experiencing in her life. It was a nice touch on the page.
However, the author talks many times about Sydney’s insecurities and hints at family problems and I wish that angle could have been explored more to explain why Syd felt and acted the way she did. I also liked how the friends were explored so carefully and that throughout the journey they seemed authentic and real. I would have wanted Sydney’s friends for any of my teens. (And without giving anything away, I don’t know if I would have chosen what Sydney did in the end “friends-wise” anyway.) And I would have liked a little more depth with Sydney’s brother about why he makes the decisions he does, but it’s really a small detail in the book.
If I’m going to be honest, I loved reading about Sydney’s journey a little more than Alex’s and I thought he got off a bit too easy in some instances when his behavior was over the top. I enjoyed the deep emotional scenes and think this author has an ability to really paint the scene for her readers. Because of this, I really wanted to see some of the important scenes in the journey told right when they happened, but unfortunately the author just told us about them later. With her talent, this was the reader’s loss for sure.
All it all, though, this was an emotional book that pulled me in and really made me think about what I would do if any of my teens found myself in this position.
Here is the back copy:
Sydney is a straight-A student heading to college on a scholarship, and Alex is a quiet jock preparing to serve an LDS mission. But their dreams are shattered on the eve of their high school graduation when they find out that Sydney is pregnant. Separated, they must both trust in God as they search for the worth they once found in each other.
And you can click here for the Amazon link
The author is also giving away a free copy of her book. So if you'd like to enter, here is the info on that:
Hope's Journey Giveaway:
As part of Hope's Journey's blog tour, we will be giving away an autographed copy of Hope's Journey to one lucky winner. To enter, simply visit the author’s blog (stephanieworlton.blogspot.com) and leave a comment on the BLOG TOUR page. Plus, for a few bonus entries, “like” Hope's Journey on Facebook or become a follower of Stephanie’s blog. It's that easy!
1. Step out of the box and do something weird sometimes. It will make great material for a book someday.
2. Read a book you might not normally read.
For my number two, I want to tell you about a book I’ve been reading called Hope’s Journey by Stephanie Worlton. This book explores the ins and outs of teenage pregnancy and how it affects the teenage couple involved.
We are introduced to Sydney Steele, a girl who has it all---tons of friends, good looks, and lots of scholarships to consider as soon as high school ends. Until the day she finds out she’s pregnant. Then everything changes.
Her boyfriend, Alex Hastings, is a tall handsome boy with just as much going for him. He’s planning to serve a mission for the LDS church, planning to go to college, and planning for a future. A future that changes with two lines on a pregnancy test.
I thought the author did a great job in describing the roller-coaster of emotions that follows an unplanned pregnancy announcement---both for the couple and for their families. I liked the back and forth between the two points of view and how different they each saw the same events. I also liked the visual of how many weeks Sydney was into her pregnancy and how it sort of corresponded with the changes she was experiencing in her life. It was a nice touch on the page.
However, the author talks many times about Sydney’s insecurities and hints at family problems and I wish that angle could have been explored more to explain why Syd felt and acted the way she did. I also liked how the friends were explored so carefully and that throughout the journey they seemed authentic and real. I would have wanted Sydney’s friends for any of my teens. (And without giving anything away, I don’t know if I would have chosen what Sydney did in the end “friends-wise” anyway.) And I would have liked a little more depth with Sydney’s brother about why he makes the decisions he does, but it’s really a small detail in the book.
If I’m going to be honest, I loved reading about Sydney’s journey a little more than Alex’s and I thought he got off a bit too easy in some instances when his behavior was over the top. I enjoyed the deep emotional scenes and think this author has an ability to really paint the scene for her readers. Because of this, I really wanted to see some of the important scenes in the journey told right when they happened, but unfortunately the author just told us about them later. With her talent, this was the reader’s loss for sure.
All it all, though, this was an emotional book that pulled me in and really made me think about what I would do if any of my teens found myself in this position.
Here is the back copy:
Sydney is a straight-A student heading to college on a scholarship, and Alex is a quiet jock preparing to serve an LDS mission. But their dreams are shattered on the eve of their high school graduation when they find out that Sydney is pregnant. Separated, they must both trust in God as they search for the worth they once found in each other.
And you can click here for the Amazon link
The author is also giving away a free copy of her book. So if you'd like to enter, here is the info on that:
Hope's Journey Giveaway:
As part of Hope's Journey's blog tour, we will be giving away an autographed copy of Hope's Journey to one lucky winner. To enter, simply visit the author’s blog (stephanieworlton.blogspot.com) and leave a comment on the BLOG TOUR page. Plus, for a few bonus entries, “like” Hope's Journey on Facebook or become a follower of Stephanie’s blog. It's that easy!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Word Count Wednesday
I went to the theater last night with my son and saw the musical The Marvelous Wonderettes. Oh man, I haven't laughed that hard in forever. Such a fun show!
We got home late and I was tired but as I was getting ready for bed, the solution to the problem I'd been having with my plot hit me.
At 1 a.m.
When I was too tired to go downstairs and write it all down.
So that meant I had to think about it all night long so I wouldn't forget it (and yes, it does give me weird dreams when I do that.) (And before you say, well, you should have taken a pad of paper out of your nightstand and wrote some key phrases down, yeah, it was 1 a.m. and I was barely coherent, so I didn't. I thought I could just remember it.)
Well, I'm happy to tell you that I DID remember it this morning and I am frantically writing it all down (and trying to separate what was the inspiration and what was part of my freakish dreams.)
And I'm also happy to tell you I wrote 4120 words this week. Woohoo! JuCanWriMo is going very well for me overall.
How did you do this week?
We got home late and I was tired but as I was getting ready for bed, the solution to the problem I'd been having with my plot hit me.
At 1 a.m.
When I was too tired to go downstairs and write it all down.
So that meant I had to think about it all night long so I wouldn't forget it (and yes, it does give me weird dreams when I do that.) (And before you say, well, you should have taken a pad of paper out of your nightstand and wrote some key phrases down, yeah, it was 1 a.m. and I was barely coherent, so I didn't. I thought I could just remember it.)
Well, I'm happy to tell you that I DID remember it this morning and I am frantically writing it all down (and trying to separate what was the inspiration and what was part of my freakish dreams.)
And I'm also happy to tell you I wrote 4120 words this week. Woohoo! JuCanWriMo is going very well for me overall.
How did you do this week?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Book Review: Bitter Blessings
Author Christine Mehring has created some solid YA characters who are going through some very difficult life changes in her debut novel Bitter Blessings.
We are introduced to Megan who is happily eating dinner with her family.
Then the phone rings and it’s bad news. Mom has been killed in a car accident.
Megan is very sad.
But it only gets worse from there. Her grandma tells her to get a better job to put food on the table and gets all grumpy and wrapped up in her own problems. Then her sister starts being all secretive and rebellious and that all makes Megan very mad.
So there she is, trying to pick up the pieces of her life when she finds out that everyone seems to be harboring some secrets from her--her family and her best friend--and she doesn't know what to do. Megan's life is complicated and lonely while she tries to figure out what to do. Poor Megan.
It was one of those reads where you want to keep turning pages to see how the main character would end up handling it all and if she would be okay in the end.
So there you have it. I thought Bitter Blessings was an emotionally gripping book. The author’s main character, Megan, stays true to character with the unique voice of a teenager who is facing some daunting challenges in her life and she’s just trying to muddle through as best she can. I loved her relationship with her best friend Adam, and I really liked how the author made Megan so three dimensional in her coping skills with everything that happens to her. The only thing I had difficulty with was the reason for her mother’s secret. It didn’t quite ring true to me at first, but the author did a great job in making the motivations more clear as the book went along. A very nice debut novel and I will definitely be looking for more from this author.
Here is the back copy:
Megan has the perfect life, but when her mother dies in an accident, everything spins out of control. With the rest of her family falling apart, Megan must confront her past to uncover the truths that will keep everyone together. Thought-provoking and heartfelt, this book shows that even in times of trial, you can often find blessings.
Click here for the Amazon purchase link
Monday, November 14, 2011
It's Almost My Birthday And I'm Getting Old
So it’s my birthday this week and I’ve been thinking about how wonderful this past year has been.
In the past year two amazing things happened.
1. I had a baby who is the happiest baby I’ve ever had. He just always has a smile on his face. He is such a joy and I’m so lucky to have him.
2. I put out a new novel. It was a labor of love on that one and I’m so glad it’s doing so well, even if it didn’t have a particularly smooth road to publication.
In the past year I’ve learned a few things, too.
1. I learned that all my precious 80s music is now on the oldies station. To tell you the truth, it was a shock when I turned to the oldies station and found a song I liked. Then they played another song I liked, then another, and then I knew I was in trouble. Oldies station, people. OLDIES!
2. I learned that I am totally going for comfort with my clothing these days, rather than looks. A woman came into the bookstore where I was signing books last Saturday and she was wearing pajama pants and some moccasin-looking slippers and I was jealous.
3. I learned that some of my best days are when I’m in a brain fog because I had to get up early with toddlers after a late night of staying up waiting for teenagers to come home from dates. Why are those my best days? Because then I don’t care if I am still in my pajamas and listening to the oldies station. I can just feel good about it!
So, on my birthday, I am going to be grateful to see another year, for my health, a great family, and the opportunities to do what I love to do. Pass me the fuzzy slippers, some Def Leppard tunes, and a computer screen with my work-in-progress on it and I’m a happy girl. Oh, and I won’t forget the chocolate. What birthday would be complete without that?
In the past year two amazing things happened.
1. I had a baby who is the happiest baby I’ve ever had. He just always has a smile on his face. He is such a joy and I’m so lucky to have him.
2. I put out a new novel. It was a labor of love on that one and I’m so glad it’s doing so well, even if it didn’t have a particularly smooth road to publication.
In the past year I’ve learned a few things, too.
1. I learned that all my precious 80s music is now on the oldies station. To tell you the truth, it was a shock when I turned to the oldies station and found a song I liked. Then they played another song I liked, then another, and then I knew I was in trouble. Oldies station, people. OLDIES!
2. I learned that I am totally going for comfort with my clothing these days, rather than looks. A woman came into the bookstore where I was signing books last Saturday and she was wearing pajama pants and some moccasin-looking slippers and I was jealous.
3. I learned that some of my best days are when I’m in a brain fog because I had to get up early with toddlers after a late night of staying up waiting for teenagers to come home from dates. Why are those my best days? Because then I don’t care if I am still in my pajamas and listening to the oldies station. I can just feel good about it!
So, on my birthday, I am going to be grateful to see another year, for my health, a great family, and the opportunities to do what I love to do. Pass me the fuzzy slippers, some Def Leppard tunes, and a computer screen with my work-in-progress on it and I’m a happy girl. Oh, and I won’t forget the chocolate. What birthday would be complete without that?
Friday, November 11, 2011
First Page Friday
My heart is a little tender today because it is Veteran’s Day (or Remembrance Day if you’re Canadian). My sons got up early to go and put flags in our neighborhood yards. It’s such a grand sight to drive down the street and see those flags waving from every yard, like small sentinels watching over all who pass.
There are so many things running through my mind--being grateful for sacrifice, remembering my own relatives who have served, and love for those left behind. This video seems to capture everything I'm feeling today, so if you have five minutes to watch it, I think it's worth your time. Click here
I did think about not posting First Page Friday today, because of the significance of the day, but I didn't want to disappoint anyone who has been waiting for their critique, so here it is. For all my new readers, First Page Friday is where a national editor critiques the first page of your work, to help you make it the very best it can be. Guidelines for submission are in the sidebar, and the entries are critiqued in the order in which they are received, so thank you for your patience!
The Entry
Blessed by Venus
by Mazna Mundir
It was a beautiful misty November morning. The sun was just coming up. It was the crack of dawn. The Los Angeles skyline was naturally glorious at this time. The environment was extremely beautiful as the dew drenched trees and flowers were smiling at a magnificent morning. The neighborhood of Eagle Rock was just stirring up from a good night’s sleep with the chirping of the birds. Well, not all of them. A young girl, about nineteen years of age, was walking alone up the street leading to St. Mary’s Tower.
She was a pretty, average built girl who had dark chestnut brown hair and hazel eyes. She looked extremely tired. Once inside the apartment building she walked to apartment number 17 and entered. She dropped her keys and her coat on the table and went straight to bed without even removing her clothes. But just as she climbed on the bed the phone rang. Letting out a sigh of exasperation she picked it up. However all her annoyance at the disturbance evaporated as she heard Michael’s voice on the other end.
“Hi Mike, what’ up?”
“Thank god, you’re not asleep! I tried your mobile earlier but it was switched off.” Said
Michael.
“Yeah, I just came home. I was working late for that presentation I’m doing. So why do you call?” said Genelle.
“Yeah, Gen can you drop by later? I’ve finished work on that article you asked me for.”
“Ok, I’ll come over. Thanks Mike.” Said Genelle yawning widely.
“Ok, see you at six then. And good luck for your presentation by the way.”
“Thanks, bye” said Genelle hanging up the phone. Stretching and yawning she fell on the bed and was instantly asleep.
Ms. Shreditor’s Comments
What this page lacks for me is identity. Where is this story’s pulse? What are its central conflicts? It’s important that the readers sense these things early on; otherwise, there will be nothing to compel them to read past the first page. Instead of drawing the reader into the story with a point of narrative impact or attention-grabbing first line, this story opens with a daytime version of “it was a dark and stormy night.” The first lines need to deliver more.
The characters also need a dose of identity. We don’t learn anything of substance about Genelle beyond what she looks like. Readers will need to identify with her on some level, and to do that they must first know something crucial about her. Even her job status is unclear. What does she do for a living? Why would she have to pick up an article at Mike’s place? Wouldn’t he e-mail it to her?
Be careful not to overwrite, as this can cloud meaning. Take this sentence as an example: “The environment was extremely beautiful as the dew drenched trees and flowers were smiling at a magnificent morning.” I understand the intention here: to describe just how beautiful sunrise in Los Angeles can be. It would be more effective to say so with just a few descriptive words, rather than introduce somewhat awkward personification (i.e., flowers smiling). Try not to fog up your writing with flowery turns of phrase like this. If you’ll pardon the cliché, sometimes less is more.
Think of the authors you love most in this world. What is it about their writing that strikes you? What effect do you want your story to have on readers? My recommendation is to try a new narrative approach. Start the story with a pivotal event or at a key emotional juncture for Genelle. Right now, this first page starts with a sunrise and ends with the main character falling asleep, and only a few lines of small talk bridge these two non-events. Strive for more intensity. Think about what you know that the readers don’t and insinuate, insinuate, insinuate. Give them enough to capture their attention, but not enough to leave them with a sense of resolution. Instead, make them crave resolution, and don't give it to them until the very end. This is how you turn a first-page reader into a full-story reader.
Thank you so much to everyone who participated today. It is appreciated.
And to our veterans and families, you are never forgotten.
There are so many things running through my mind--being grateful for sacrifice, remembering my own relatives who have served, and love for those left behind. This video seems to capture everything I'm feeling today, so if you have five minutes to watch it, I think it's worth your time. Click here
I did think about not posting First Page Friday today, because of the significance of the day, but I didn't want to disappoint anyone who has been waiting for their critique, so here it is. For all my new readers, First Page Friday is where a national editor critiques the first page of your work, to help you make it the very best it can be. Guidelines for submission are in the sidebar, and the entries are critiqued in the order in which they are received, so thank you for your patience!
The Entry
Blessed by Venus
by Mazna Mundir
It was a beautiful misty November morning. The sun was just coming up. It was the crack of dawn. The Los Angeles skyline was naturally glorious at this time. The environment was extremely beautiful as the dew drenched trees and flowers were smiling at a magnificent morning. The neighborhood of Eagle Rock was just stirring up from a good night’s sleep with the chirping of the birds. Well, not all of them. A young girl, about nineteen years of age, was walking alone up the street leading to St. Mary’s Tower.
She was a pretty, average built girl who had dark chestnut brown hair and hazel eyes. She looked extremely tired. Once inside the apartment building she walked to apartment number 17 and entered. She dropped her keys and her coat on the table and went straight to bed without even removing her clothes. But just as she climbed on the bed the phone rang. Letting out a sigh of exasperation she picked it up. However all her annoyance at the disturbance evaporated as she heard Michael’s voice on the other end.
“Hi Mike, what’ up?”
“Thank god, you’re not asleep! I tried your mobile earlier but it was switched off.” Said
Michael.
“Yeah, I just came home. I was working late for that presentation I’m doing. So why do you call?” said Genelle.
“Yeah, Gen can you drop by later? I’ve finished work on that article you asked me for.”
“Ok, I’ll come over. Thanks Mike.” Said Genelle yawning widely.
“Ok, see you at six then. And good luck for your presentation by the way.”
“Thanks, bye” said Genelle hanging up the phone. Stretching and yawning she fell on the bed and was instantly asleep.
Ms. Shreditor’s Comments
What this page lacks for me is identity. Where is this story’s pulse? What are its central conflicts? It’s important that the readers sense these things early on; otherwise, there will be nothing to compel them to read past the first page. Instead of drawing the reader into the story with a point of narrative impact or attention-grabbing first line, this story opens with a daytime version of “it was a dark and stormy night.” The first lines need to deliver more.
The characters also need a dose of identity. We don’t learn anything of substance about Genelle beyond what she looks like. Readers will need to identify with her on some level, and to do that they must first know something crucial about her. Even her job status is unclear. What does she do for a living? Why would she have to pick up an article at Mike’s place? Wouldn’t he e-mail it to her?
Be careful not to overwrite, as this can cloud meaning. Take this sentence as an example: “The environment was extremely beautiful as the dew drenched trees and flowers were smiling at a magnificent morning.” I understand the intention here: to describe just how beautiful sunrise in Los Angeles can be. It would be more effective to say so with just a few descriptive words, rather than introduce somewhat awkward personification (i.e., flowers smiling). Try not to fog up your writing with flowery turns of phrase like this. If you’ll pardon the cliché, sometimes less is more.
Think of the authors you love most in this world. What is it about their writing that strikes you? What effect do you want your story to have on readers? My recommendation is to try a new narrative approach. Start the story with a pivotal event or at a key emotional juncture for Genelle. Right now, this first page starts with a sunrise and ends with the main character falling asleep, and only a few lines of small talk bridge these two non-events. Strive for more intensity. Think about what you know that the readers don’t and insinuate, insinuate, insinuate. Give them enough to capture their attention, but not enough to leave them with a sense of resolution. Instead, make them crave resolution, and don't give it to them until the very end. This is how you turn a first-page reader into a full-story reader.
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